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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Weird Crime: Scissors Beats Paper, Taser Beats Scissors...Most of the Time




Fort Myers, Florida

Judging from his Twitter and Instragram accounts, 19-year-old Damian Pierce is a (sadly) typical teenager. Both of his social media accounts are filled with embarrasing selfies, poor attempts at being clever, and occasionally amusing observations.

Damian also seems to be a major proponent of two things that people tend to feel very strongly about: God and marijuana.

His allegiance to the herb is evidenced by multiple postings in support of marijuana legalization along with bragging openly about his own toking sessions. Damian's love of God, on the other hand, is proudly displayed as a tattoo on his chest stating 'Phillipians 4:13.' The Bible verse Damian felt strongly about enough to have permanently inked on his body reads 'I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.'



People who quote Leviticus (especially the verse 
about not getting tattoos) are such party poopers.



In most cases, there probably isn't a lot that Christians and marijuana supporters would typically agree upon. But after January 26, 2014, both groups can come together and agree that they don't want this person trying to represent either one of them.

Around 2:00 AM that morning, police were called by someone claiming that his home was being broken into. The victim locked himself in his bedroom and waited for the officers to arrive. When they got there, yelling and screaming could be heard from one of the other bedrooms in the house. 

After forcing open the door, they discovered Damian facing the wall with a pair of scissors in his right hand. Upon hearing the officers enter the room, Damian turned around and charged towards them while stating "I win. I am stronger than you."


                         Game of Thrones Wiki
You must look like this for that 
statement to not sound ridiculous


One of the officers immediately deployed a Taser on Damian, which brought him to the ground. The officers then tried to handcuff Mr. Running With Scissors only to discover that he still had a little fight left in him. 

After thrashing around a bit, the officers tried to Taser him again, this time without any effect...except for Damian biting the officer's finger.

After finally getting Damian subdued, the officers looked around the bedroom, which had already been completely trashed prior to the altercation. But aside from the multiple holes that Damian had punched into the wall, they didn't find any evidence of drugs being involved...until they looked outside and discovered Damian's backpack, which contained marijuana (not unexpected) and crystal meth (yikes).

After being taken to a nearby hospital for treatment and observation, Damian Pierce was arrested and charged with occupied burglary, burglary with battery, felony vandalism, aggravated assault, resisting arrest without violence (?) and battery on a law enforcement officer.




And as embarrassed as Damian may be about this mugshot, it's still nearly not as bad as this picture that he willingly published for on his Twitter account for everyone to see:

...although it might help him make a few friends while in prison.



Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 


To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a pro-pot Christian resists the urge to 'Ride the Snake.'




Sunday, January 26, 2014

Weird Crime: Grab n' Stab

(photo [and a great guide] @ Dino 2.0)



West Palm Beach, Florida

When a weird crime story is reviewed here at RamblingBeachCat.com, we normally prefer for there to be multiple sources detailing the incident and arrest report. This helps to provide multiple viewpoints along with a few extra layers of confirmation.

But sometimes, an obscure or single-sourced story appears that is not only too bizarre to ignore, but also leaves us with some burning unanswered questions. On Wednesday January 22 of 2014, the always reliable state of Florida gave us one of these strange stories.

According to Jorge Millan of the Palm Beach Post, 54-year-old Mary E. Cooper was watching television when an "unidentified" 11-year-old boy picked up the remote and changed the channel. (The "unidentified" part  is important not because he's a minor, but because we're not sure how this kid is related to Mary).

Mary demanded that the boy (who may or may not be her son) change the channel back. At this point, the boy told police that the remote control wouldn't work. It's an excuse that may actually hold some water if they had Direct TV, but Mary wasn't buying it. She proceeded to take the remote from the boy's hand and beat him over the head with it.

This allegedly started a "physical confrontation" between the two, but was really more of an old woman beat down. Mary threw the boy onto the couch while scratching his chest. Not content with only drawing a little bit of blood, she then picked up a kitchen knife and began "poking" the boy with it. This resulted in cuts on the child's wrist.

The boy escaped outside, found a security guard, and alerted him to the fact that Lady McBeth had possessed a woman in his home who was now trying to kill him. The police were called, the boy was treated for his wounds, and Mary Cooper was arrested...

...only to be released the next day on her own recognizance.

My apologies to Mr. Miller's reporting (since that might be all the information he had to work with), but there are a number of things (both out of morbid curiosity and concern) that I would really like to know, starting with...


1. WHY THE HELL WAS SHE RELEASED ON HER OWN RECOGNIZANCE? 

For those of you who just pretend to know what that word means when it comes up during an episode of CSI, being released under one's own recognizance implies that the arresste is free to go home, but aware and willing of his/her obligation to return to court and stand trial for their misdeeds.

It also strongly implies that they agree not to do any illegal stuff before the trial, which isn't really something you can or should be able to promise after trying to kill an 11-year-old boy for changing the channel on the television.


2. What was she watching?

I know this one is obvious and somewhat trivial, but a simple "time of incident" stamp along with her age and gender could definitely help us narrow it down.


                                                         realitytea.com

Many of my fellow Charleston residents, for example, 
fly into a blind rage at 10/9 C when Bravo airs 'Southern Charm'


3. Was the boy actually stabbed or "poked" with the kitchen knife?
The boy ended up with cuts on his wrist, so it had to be done with some degree of force. But semantics aside, I think we all have vastly different ideas of the physical efforts that is put into "stabbing" vs "poking."

Whether it was 'Pyscho' level strokes or tiny little jabs, however, Mary's still a pretty horrible person.

It's not that I don't understand or even sympathize a little with her rage; if someone tried to change the channel during a University of Kentucky game or 'The Walking Dead', I'd stab them, too...but only if they were over the age of 18. Stabbing a child is wrong.


4. What was Mary Cooper's relationship to the boy?

This goes back to the whole "released on her own recognizance" thing. If she wasn't the child's mother or primary caretaker, then the family can definitely cross a babysitter off their list. If she is the child's mother, however, then dinner at home that next evening was probably more than a little awkward (and potentially dangerous/stabby).

Until more reports are released on this incident, let's just hope for now that the boy is safe and Mary Cooper learns how to control her anger.



...and that a cure for male pattern baldness in women is found in our lifetime.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a crazy woman decides to perform her living art without stealing anyone's car or threatening high school students.


Monday, January 20, 2014

Weird Crime: Disney and Guerrilla Performance Art Don't Mix

(photo @ wikipedia)



Tavernier, Florida

On the morning of January 10, 2014, anyone who walked into Coral Shores High School was greeted by what could generously be described as a disturbing sight. According to witnesses, 43-year-old Elizabeth Quintana was repeatedly hitting a white BMW with a bungee cord while brandishing a rock and threatening students who were entering the school.

An assistant principal immediately called the police. By the time the officers arrived, however, Quintana had already fled the scene. Fortunately for them, crazy people usually forget to do things like stopping for gas.

After traveling a few miles down the road, Quintana's BMW was found with an empty gas tank while blocking a lane of the highway. It was also covered with random statements written in pink marker. After checking its plates, the responding officers discovered that the car had been reported as stolen the day before.



                                               karmaperdiem
Even car thieves are joining the fight against breast cancer.



There was also an unidentified male inside car, who claimed that he did not know Quintana and was simply hitching a ride to Key West. (This excuse normally wouldn't hold any water, but if you've ever been to Key West, someone hitching a ride with a crazy woman to get there shouldn't be too surprising).

Meanwhile, Quintana had gotten out of the car and was dancing on the lawn of a nearby church. According to the responding officers, she was wearing clothes which they described as "strange" and "wet." Her face was also covered in a white substance that was later identified as copious amounts of cocaine theatrical paint.

But arguably the most bizarre aspect of the incident was the fact that she was doing all this while muttering unintelligible statements about Disney.

Elizabeth Quintana was arrested and charged with grand theft auto, trespassing on school grounds, and disorderly conduct. Since this isn't her first run in with the law...and she identifies herself as an artist...we might be able to expect another crazy performance in the near future.



Hopefully with a lot less "theatrical paint" next time.




Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a crazy woman decides to perform her living art without stealing anyone's car or threatening high school students.


Monday, January 13, 2014

Weird Crime: 20 Items or a Beat Down




Punta Gorda, Florida

On January 11, 2014, 65-year-old John L. Malherbe went through the express lane at Walmart with more than 20 items. Some people don't consider this much of a crime, but they aren't taking into account the 'Walmart' factor: All the check out lanes are usually clogged and incredibly slow, making the express lane your only option for getting out of the store in a enough time to still consider it a "quick trip".

But despite the blatant display of douchebaggery and inconvenience caused by a person doing this, a cashier will never tell a customer to turn around and take their items to a regular check out lane. This leaves you, the guy in line just trying to purchase a few items, to seethe in silence while awaiting your turn.

Unfortunately for Malherbe, however, 77-year-old William Golloday wasn't about to take that type of crap from some punk who was 12 years his junior.

After counting Malherbe's items and seeing that there were more than 20, Golloday began screaming at him. Malherbe tried to explain that the express lane was the only one that he could use due to being in a motorized shopping cart (okay, now I feel like a jerk), but it was no use. Golloday, who had gone into full "Get Off My Lawn"-rage, grabbed a nearby shopping cart and rammed it into Malherbe's elbow

At this point, Walmart management sprang into action and escorted Golloday off the premises...only for him to return a few minutes later and charge at Malherbe with his fists raised like an old-timey bare knuckle boxer.


His pants were probably hiked up a bit higher, though.



Once again, Walmart management escorted him off the premises, successfully averting an old man ass whooping in aisle one. 

Later that day, William Golloday was arrested and charged with felony battery (!). The reason for his crime being considered a felony instead of a misdemeanor is because the victim was over the age of 65

This statute apparently still holds up even if the attacker is older than the victim, meaning that old people get in a whole lot more trouble for kicking the crap out of each other than they would for beating up a younger person.



"So don't test me, sonny. Whippin' your 
ass would be worth the reduced charge."


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a bitter old man decides to give another fellow old man who has trouble walking a break.


Friday, January 10, 2014

RBC Fitness Challenge Days 27-30: The Home Stretch


Today was another workout at Long Training Studios, this time with Jared "The Viking" Chaffin. Everything was going fine until he introduced an ancient medieval torture device known as the "power wheel."


No.



The exercise we did with it involved rolling our upper bodies forward while making all types of weird blubbering noises and trying not to tip over. It was tough, but unlike the workouts I used to do back when I was in shape, I could actually feel the burn in my abs and core this time. Surprisingly, I was able to do all of the reps...except for the times that my incredibly poor balance caused me to fall over like a dead tree.

I also discovered that although my strength has improved tremendously, I am still unable to do a proper pull up. That was a bit humbling. But even though there is still a long way to go, I'm finally able to keep up with everyone around me in the small groups.




Days 28-29

Nothing new or snarky to report...although I think I may have finally mastered the "Spider-Man Push Up." This had the unexpected side effect of helping me to understand why cargo shorts may not be the best thing to wear while you're exercising.

After repeatedly saying that I would get around to buying a proper pair of gym shorts, my strategy of procrastination paid off when Karen went out and got them for me.

I did, however, finally get around to buying myself a new scale at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It has a digital read out, which seemed appealing at first, but now I'm a bit nervous about it. The ones that work on a balance point for a needle can sometimes be manipulated with a bit of strategic swaying. This device, however would have set number on which to track my progress...but not until after Day 30.



Day 30

As has become the tradition on Fridays lately, I got home from school and immediately crashed. My body clearly still needed some recovery time that I wasn't giving it, but that's alright (there aren't any movies out right now that I want to see, anyway).

It might be a little anti-climatic to end my 30 Day Challenge with an extended period of sleep, but it's also strangely appropriate. I have worked physically harder in these 30 days than I had in a very long time. Despite all my talk about being happy while still being fat, I had to admit that it felt good to actually be FEELING good.

I also was finally starting to notice that I actually looked different. My pants, which used to fit snugly around my waist, were also becoming very loose. Wearing a belt had normally just been a formality, but now I was running out of notches to hold things up with.

It was now time to see if the hard numbers matched up with the visual evidence of my progress. After relaxing a little bit longer, I finally stepped onto the scale....


HA! You just got cliffhanger-ed! 

Join us here next week for the thrilling conclusion to the RamblingBeachCat Fitness Challenge. There will be progress reports from months after the first 30 days, before/after pictures, and pie.

Well, maybe there won't be any pie. But it should still be pretty good.

If you want to cheer Tracie on while she kicks my butt on a weekly basis, you can find her on Twitter. If you live in the Charleston area and would like to have your butt kicked into shape like mine has been, then take a moment and check out the Long Training Studios website.

Please also feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page.


Friday, January 3, 2014

Weird Crime: Flashing the Badge and Butt

(photo--and these awesome pants--@ cafepress)



Orlando, Florida

At approximately 1:00 AM on January 3, 2014, 55-year-old Matt Skytta walked into IHOP for a late night meal. The manager of the restaurant recognized him, but not for good reasons. Apparently, Matt had a habit of ordering meals there and leaving without paying for them.

When Matt's server asked him if he had enough cash on him to pay for his food, he responded that he did not...but since he was a cop, he didn't need to pay for his meal, anyway.

A quick look at Matt's Facebook page lists his occupation as "self employed" along with his most recent status update simply stating 'Eat me.' I suppose he could still be a cop, but the small amount of evidence I looked over does not seem to indicate him having any sort of career in law enforcement. (Matt also has an Orlando based Match.com account, but I'm nowhere near brave enough to dive down that rabbit hole).

The server apparently didn't seem to think Matt was an police officer either, refusing to serve him even after he flashed a (fake) Orlando Police Department badge. That's when things got a little testy.

Matt allegedly refused to leave the restaurant, proclaiming that he would stay on the premises "until you feed me." He also threatened to beat up the server, who immediately dialed 911. As the server (wisely) walked away from the table, however, was when Matt really kicked things up a notch by pulling down his pants and exposing his butt to everyone in the establishment.



"...and don't even think about asking where I keep my sidearm!"


When the police arrived, Matt was STILL sitting at the booth where he'd been seated, no doubt eagerly awaiting whatever type of food and service that mooning the restaurant's staff will get you. Unfortunately for him, his "friends" at the Orlando Police Department weren't very accommodating.

Matt Skytta was arrested and charged with impersonating a police officer (so he was a phony), trespassing, and disorderly conduct. This is normally where our weird crime stories end, but not for Mr. Skytta. As the police hauled him out of the restaurant, he yelled "I'm a Green Beret! If I die, Obama dies!"

And just to make sure that everyone knew he was crazy, Matt also claimed he knew the police chief and that his fellow retired officers would "help him out." I'm guessing those phone calls will all go straight to voice mail.


And don't forget, ladies...this one's still single.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a crazy man trying to impersonate a police officer still has the decency to pay for his late night meals.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

Weird Crime: Banana Battle






Tampa, Florida

It's been a while since we talked about a possible Banana Uprising here on Rambling Beach Cat. But thanks to the great state of Florida, the first day of 2014 has provided us with its possible reemergence.

Pasco County Police were called to the home of 36-year-old Phillip Joseph Smolinsky in the early morning hours of January 1 for a domestic violence charge. When they arrived, Smolinsky's live in girlfriend claimed that he had thrown a banana at her.

Smolinsky not only denied the charge, but claimed instead that it was actually his girlfriend who had hurled the banana at him. Unfortunately for Smolinsky, a couple of factors were working against his "NU-UH! SHE DID IT" defense.

1. His girlfriend had a giant red mark under her eye where the banana had hit her.
2. A smashed up banana was was found by police in the trash can along with pieces of the banana peel on the kitchen floor.

With the evidence stacked against him, Smolinsky decided to continue operating his life the same way that someone using Donkey Kong in Mario Kart would, this time via brute force. When the officers tried to arrested him, Smolinsky repeatedly fought back...and like anyone racing with Donkey Kong, he eventually lost.

After being pepper sprayed and restrained, Phillip Joseph Smolinsky was arrested and charged with domestic battery and attempting to resist arrest. He was held without bond. His first court appearance was scheduled for this afternoon.


Reports that he was brought into the 
courthouse by Lakitu are unconfirmed at this time.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a boyfriend with anger issues decides that it's better to talk things out rather than flinging fruit at his lady.