A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: 20 Items or a Beat Down

Punta Gorda, Florida

On January 11, 2014, 65-year-old John L. Malherbe went through the express lane at Walmart with more than 20 items. Some people don't consider this much of a crime, but they aren't taking into account the 'Walmart' factor: All the check out lanes are usually clogged and incredibly slow, making the express lane your only option for getting out of the store in a enough time to still consider it a "quick trip".

But despite the blatant display of douchebaggery and inconvenience caused by a person doing this, a cashier will never tell a customer to turn around and take their items to a regular check out lane. This leaves you, the guy in line just trying to purchase a few items, to seethe in silence while awaiting your turn.

Unfortunately for Malherbe, however, 77-year-old William Golloday wasn't about to take that type of crap from some punk who was 12 years his junior.

After counting Malherbe's items and seeing that there were more than 20, Golloday began screaming at him. Malherbe tried to explain that the express lane was the only one that he could use due to being in a motorized shopping cart (okay, now I feel like a jerk), but it was no use. Golloday, who had gone into full "Get Off My Lawn"-rage, grabbed a nearby shopping cart and rammed it into Malherbe's elbow

At this point, Walmart management sprang into action and escorted Golloday off the premises...only for him to return a few minutes later and charge at Malherbe with his fists raised like an old-timey bare knuckle boxer.

His pants were probably hiked up a bit higher, though.

Once again, Walmart management escorted him off the premises, successfully averting an old man ass whooping in aisle one. 

Later that day, William Golloday was arrested and charged with felony battery (!). The reason for his crime being considered a felony instead of a misdemeanor is because the victim was over the age of 65

This statute apparently still holds up even if the attacker is older than the victim, meaning that old people get in a whole lot more trouble for kicking the crap out of each other than they would for beating up a younger person.

"So don't test me, sonny. Whippin' your 
ass would be worth the reduced charge."

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

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