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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Weird Crime: Revenge is a Dish Best Served at 1500 psi


(photo @ wikipedia)



Clarksville, Tennessee

On February 27, 2013, 61-year-old Thomas Birdsall walked into a Sudden Service convenience store to buy a hat. Since purchasing any sort of clothing product from a convenience store comes with the risk of immediate disappointment, Birdsall also requested a receipt.

Unfortunately, the employee who rang up his order had already thrown the proof of purchase into the trash. To her credit, she began digging around in the garbage to retrieve it...but apparently not fast enough for Thomas, who began yelling and swearing at her.

At this point, a store manager intervened and asked Birdsall to leave, which he did. But after walking across the parking lot to his truck, he came back towards the store holding a high powered pressure washer.

The clerk, who had stood outside to make sure he vacated the premises, feared for her safety (and any product she may have had in her hair) and retreated back inside the store. Birdsall, however, would not be denied the immediate gratification of a watery revenge.

While store employees looked on in disbelief, the receipt-less and very disgruntled Birdsall began pressure washing the sidewalk and front doors of the store. He then got in his car and left while the manager called the police.


                                    marvelousnews.com
This is pretty much how every fight between
Hydro-Man and Spider-Man goes, as well.


When the officers arrived, the store manager claimed that Birdsall (who lives nearby) had been harassing employees at the store for the past seven years. A good front area cleaning, however, was apparently the last straw.

This was also not the first time that Birdsall has been in trouble with the law. In addition to having several outstanding warrants for trespassing and disorderly conduct, he was also busted last year for attempting to run over a teenager in a Walmart parking lot.

Birdsall was arrested that evening and charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and criminal trespass. The owner of the store was advised to get a restraining order against him. 

If you live in the Clarksville, Tennessee area and ever find yourself in a situation where your property is unexpectedly being cleaned by an angry bald man, please contact the Clarksville Police Department.


All phone calls from Los Angles will be assumed as J.K. Simmons sightings


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Weird Crime: A Wild (And Very Brave) Go-Go Dancer Appears



Phoenix, Arizona

On February 23, 2013, 40-year-old Lawrence Aguirre was at a bar with his girlfriend where things were not going well. The pair was embroiled in a very heated argument...which may have had to do with the fact that she dragged him out to a local gay bar which also featured go-go dancers.

Now at this point, I can understand Lawrence being a little irritated. Despite having plenty of gay friends and being a big supporter of gay rights myself, I would not be at all please if my wife wanted to spend our date night surrounded bunch of half naked men that are in way better shape than I am.

But while Lawrence may have not appreciated his surroundings, he did appreciate the bar's drink selection quite a bit...which the bar manager, Adrian Carlos Maldonado, cut him off from for getting a bit too unruly. When Lawrence continued to yell at his girlfriend (and the bar's staff), Maldonado escorted him from the premises.

Unfortunately, Maldonado was unaware that Lawrence (who is the poster child for why hitchhiking is dangerous) kept an ax in his car, which he retrieved and repeatedly swiped against the bar's metal doors.

After a few seconds, Maldonado made the mistake of checking outside to see if his exiled customer was done with his live reenactment of 'The Shining.' That's when Lawrence burst through the door, ax still in hand, and threatened to hack away at the bar manager in a manner that Maldonado succinctly described as "adamant."



Some ax-wielding psychos just seem to be more amused than anything else.


That's when nearby a go-go dancer jumped onto Lawrence's back, causing him to swing his ax wildly through the air. Unfazed by the sharp metal object flailing through the air, Maldonado grabbed a pool cue and clubbed Lawrence over the head, causing him to drop his weapon. Four other bar patrons then rushed in and him to the ground, subduing him until police got there.

When the authorities arrived, Lawrence made the laughable decision to begin hurling homophobic slurs at the group of people that had managed to disarm him and thoroughly kick his ass. This not only made him look like a bigoted idiot/crybaby, but it also added the potential for his attack to be classified as a hate crime. Even if you don't like the idea of a person's personal prejudices increasing the severity of their punishment, this guy probably deserves a little something extra just for good measure.

Embedded below is a local news report, which an includes an interview with Maldonado and an on the scene reporter holding a pole cue in case you didn't know what one looked like.





Lawrence Aguirre was arrested and charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage. The bias crimes unit (?) is still investigating whether or not to charge him with a hate crime, as well.



Sad fact: This idiot can still get married in all 50 states




Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Weird Crime Wednesday: Stress Ball Factory Worker Feels the Squeeze, Flips Out On Everyone




Blackpool, England

Earlier this year, a warehouse manager for the SPS novelty firm had to deliver the bad news to one of his employees, 44-year-old Darren Baldwin, that he was being let go. Baldwin, who helped to produce stress balls for the company, was a temporary employee, so his firing was most likely a matter of planned attrition rather than being based on job performance....

...or maybe the stress relief industry just wasn't the right place for him. After being informed of his job termination, Darren responded immediately by punching his manager in the face.

He then produce two knives, brandished them at his former boss (along with the other employees), and began shouting "I will cut you up!" as his co-workers attempted to keep him doing further harm to their floor manager.


              freedigitalphotos.net
"I've got your 'exit interview' right here!!"


Baldwin then returned home, where he was promptly arrested. He initially denied the charges against him, but changed his plea to guilty on the day of the trial (likely due to the inordinately large amount of witnesses that saw him go full-on Jennifer Aniston from Office Space).

Darren did, however, claim that he had the knives on him not for any sort of malicious purpose, but due to their needed use in the production of stress balls.


 Or stabbing all of your problems away.

 
Darren Baldwin is currently out on bail while awaiting sentencing (and hopefully has taken up yoga or something).



Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.




Sunday, February 17, 2013

Weird Crime: The Kidnapping and Rescue of Gizmo the Lemur

(photo @ discovery.com)


Mobile, Alabama

In early January of 2013, the home of Julie Harris was burglarized. Only three items were taken, but they were things that no one ever wants to come home to find missing: A flat screen television, an Xbox, and her pet lemur, Gizmo.

Julie instantly went to police and the local news to ask for help. While her material possessions could be replaced, Gizmo was an animal that she considered part of her family. He also required special care that she was afraid his captors would be completely unaware of.


                                                 gremlins.wikia.com
[Insert obvious 'Gremlins' reference here]


Meanwhile, Gizmo's abductor, 32-year-old James Welborne Jr., crossed the border into George County, Mississippi to dump the newly acquired lemur off with his sister. He even had the nerve to tell her that the pet belonged to a friend of his who was deployed in Afghanistan and he was taking care of it for him.

But unfortunately for James, a missing lemur makes for some great time-filler on a local news broadcast. One night while sitting at home with Gizmo, James' sister saw this report on pop up on the television.




Aside from showing that Julie Harris has some incredibly cool pets (and a house that probably smells all types of awful), the report made James' sister aware that her brother (who she knew had a history of theft) bringing her a rare animal that perfectly matched the stolen animal's description was not a coincidence.

That news report combined with offers of a cash reward for the missing primate turned up the heat on James' sister far more than she was willing to deal with. She called her brother and demanded that he come and get the stolen monkey out of her home. Instead of going himself, however, James sent his incredibly intelligent-looking friend, 34-year-old Brian Sanders, to fetch Gizmo.


I'm really hoping he was the muscle of the operation


Brian took the lemur back to his home where he hatched a ransom plan with his girlfriend, 38-year-old Veruschka Guy (whose name sounds like a character from a very dark remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory).


"Which one of these here candies got meth in 'em?!"


They called Julie Harris and simply/omniously stated 'I know where your lemur is at.' The Bonnie and Clyde couple then agreed to meet her at a gas station near the state line to make the exchange.

When they arrived, the Brian and Veruschka got out of the car and showed Julie pictures of Gizmo on their laptop to confirm that it was the right lemur. When Julie offered them the $100 reward, however, the pair said that it wasn't enough and demanded more money.

Julie claimed that she would need to go back home to get the cash. Her cunning antagonists never once suspected that she might actually be going to the police to set up a sting operation. But when they met up at the same gas station again at 3:00 AM the next morning, Brian and Veruschka were greeted by a team of deputies who swiftly moved in to make the arrest and rescue Gizmo.


                                                      countylifeonline
"Okay boys... no need to yell 'BREACH' when opening the car door..."


But while Julie was happily reunited with her pet, the police in Mobile, Alabama were still looking for James Welbourne, who was the one that started this whole ridiculous chain of events. They worked together with police in Brown County, Mississippi and told them to keep a close eye out for anyone that looked like a younger, redneck version of Danny Bonaduce...




...and on February 12 during a routine traffic stop, they finally caught him

James Welborn Jr. was arrested and charged with burglary. He is currently awaiting extradition back to Alabama, where he will undoubtedly face charges, prison time, and a large amount of ridicule from the other inmates.

But James has no one to blame for himself for his latest incarceration. Just because you cross a state line does not mean that you are home free from committing a crime in the state you just left...especially on the border of Alabama and Mississippi. 

Sheriff Dean Howell made that perfectly clear with this awesome statement he gave to close out the case:

“We don’t put up with any monkey business in George County,”


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.





Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Weird Crime Wednesday: An Alien Named Molly




Collier County, Florida

In the early morning hours of February 8, 2013, 34-year-old Corey Joe Stump wandered into a Circle K convenience store without a shirt while also sweating profusely.
This isn't exactly out of the ordinary for Circle K clientele at 5:00 AM, but things were kicked up a notch when the other customers noticed that Corey was carrying two knives and blocking the exit.

But the people inside the store soon realized that the hostage situation they found themselves in would be much more bizarre than it it was dangerous. For starters, Corey's only demand was made when he politely asked one of the customers not to eat him



 "Sounds pretty reasonable..."


When police arrived on the scene and demanded that he put down the knives, Corey did so without hesitation. Getting him to leave the store, however, was a bit more difficult. 

As the officers attempted to take Corey away from the premises, he began to pull away and flinch, but not due to a fear of going to jail; Corey believed he was being attacked by imaginary aliens

Police were later informed by a friend of Corey's that he had taken a very potent form of the drug ecstasy known as "Molly."

                                wikipedia.org
"But it was all Corey, officer. I never got 
anywhere near the drugs. Scout's honor."


Aside from being mistaken by casual music listeners as the name of a girl in a song, mollies can cause the person taking them to experience hallucinations. The friend of Corey's who told police about his ingestion of the drug said they also believed he had combined it with alcohol, which has the potential to greatly intensify its effects.
                                  
Corey Joe Stump was taken by police to the hospital for treatment. After being released, he was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication and improper exhibition of a dangerous weapon. 

This was also the seventh time that Corey has been booked into the Collier County Jail.



Records for his bookings onto the mothership, however, were unobtainable.



Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.



Thursday, February 7, 2013

Weird Crime: A Good First Date Should Still End Without a Kiss (or Armed Robbery)

(photo @ wikipedia)



Lake Worth, Florida

On the evening of  January 23, 2013, 23-year-old Jean Remy took a girl he had met online out on a date. When the date was over (a little past midnight on the 24th), Jean dropped her off at her home and most likely began running through the usual post-first date check list:

1. Release the massive fart that you've been holding in for the last few hours.
2. Over analyze every phrase and possible use of body language.
3. Begin unfairly comparing your date to past relationships.
(4. If the date was bad, aimlessly scroll through your phone while swallowing the bitter pill of disappointment).

But for Jean, the night was not yet finished. After his date went inside, he walked over to her neighbor's house, observed a 12-year-old boy in his bedroom watching a movie, and decided that he wanted to take the kid's XBox.

Jean was able to get into the house and walked into the child's room. He then pressed a gun to the boy's head and barked at him to "look forward."

Jean then proceeded to grab the XBox while also demanding that the boy tell him where all his games were. Surprisingly, the young man stated that he didn't have any...which was good enough for Jean, who ran back to his car and drove away.


                                                            wikipedia
 ...and planned to spend the next afternoon finally using all his store credit.

Now I'm not one to admonish a 12-year-old for what they say with a gun to their head; maybe the kid just blurted out that he didn't have any games because he was scared. But it's more likely that if he's not grossly under utilizing his gaming console, he just really didn't want to give up all of his games to the thief, as well.

There's also a good chance the boy realized that since he was dealing with a criminal in the state of Florida, his attacker would believe whatever he said and leave immediately. But if he was trying to protect his game library, it was a surprisingly foolish (if still somewhat ballsy) move.

Kid, if you somehow happen to be reading this and ever get into a situation like that again, just give up the merchandise. Video games and other material items are replaceable; you are not. Even if you're one of those XBox Live players that screams profanities and talks trash after the match is over, we'd still much rather have you on this planet than that piece of human garbage who robbed you.

But I digress...the young boy immediately ran to the room where his mother (who was already getting up to investigate the noises she heard down the hall) was with his younger brother. When her son (who was understandably terrified and in tears) told her what happened and described his attacker (guess he didn't look forward the whole time), the mom went over to her neighbor's house to ask if she had seen anything.


                      parishworld.net
 "Hey, just checking to see if you had 
observed any low life sociopaths in the area."


As the young woman listened to the description of her neighbor's intruder, she realized that her date hadn't called it at night after their evening out had come to an end...and was also a terrible person.

Unfortunately for Jean, real life doesn't work like Grand Theft Auto. His former date was more than happy to assist her neighbors and the police in making sure he was correctly identified and brought to justice.

Jean Remy was arrested and booked into the Palm Beach County jail, where he is currently being held without bail.


...or a copy of Halo 4
Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.



Saturday, February 2, 2013

Top 10 Worst Super Bowl Ads of All Time




Super Bowl Sunday: A magical time of year when those that love both football and humorous advertisements are unable to go to the bathroom for almost four hours. 

Fortunately for me, my beloved Falcons were bounced from the playoffs in the conference championships, thus giving me the bitterness and indifference needed to relieve myself in the middle of a 4-and-goal play if needed. 

There is no way, however, that I will take my eyes off the screen during the commercials. Despite the inevitable let down and plethora of early online releases and "leaks", I'm still sucker for a great event-level advertisement...even if it's simply to hate-watch some of the terrible ones that slip through a company's marketing and finance people.

The following are RamblingBeachCat.com's Top 10 worst Super Bowl advertisements of all time.



10. General Motors: Robot 





This 2007 GM ad starts off with an interesting premise, but quickly takes a turn into some very dark territory. A robot is shown making a mistake while working on a car assembly, which causes him (it?) to lose his job.

The next few scenes show our downtrodden mechanical unit wandering the streets alone and unsuccessfully attempting to find and sustain another career for himself while Eric Carmen's 'All By Myself' plays in the background. 

After seeing wave upon wave of the GM cars he used to help build pass him by, the robot decides that he doesn't want to exist in this world anymore commits suicide by jumping off a bridge. The ad then quickly cuts to a scene of the robot waking up, revealing that it was only a dream (and that robots employed by GM are so stressed out that they fantasize about killing themselves).

The commercial angered suicide prevention groups, who quickly pressured GM to into changing the ending.

I'm not really sure how a robot trying to end its own life via water impact and long term rusting is supposed to make me want to buy a car...though to be fair, the ad stills resonates with me a little bit. When I see lots of people buying cars made by GM, it makes me want to jump off a bridge, too.



9. GoDaddy.com: Too Hot for TV




GoDaddy.com could end up on this list multiple times, but their 2010 Super Bowl ad epitomizes all that is wrong with every nearly ad that they make: Danica Patrick reading her lines like an automated answering service, a "twist" you see coming a mile away (or that is just plain stupid), and a tease for SUPER SEXY UNRATED WEB CONTENT...which never ends up being any good and makes you feel stupid and pathetic for going to their site and watching it.

But this one really kicks things up a notch with the web only version (which is embedded above). The television spot teased viewers with a female reporter about to do a seductive dance for Danica to show her the very definition of "too hot for TV."

Unfortunately, her bizarre antics and facial expressions make the commercial feel more like a cautionary tale about the dangers of over dosing on meth amphetamines.



8. Salesgenie.com: Success




As consumers, most of us hold a very high capacity for stupidity (even if we don't want to admit it). Still, I'd like to think that by 2007, when Salesgenie ran their "Success" spot, we'd get a little bit of credit for being able to spot an advertising cliche or two.

This commercial, however, has just about every one in the book. Apparently if you use Salesgenie to help you find sales leads, you'll get an awesome red sports car, become attractive to members of the opposite sex, earn praise (and a dinner invitation) from your boss, and live in a huge house.

But if you don't use Salesgenie, you'll be bad at your job, go completely bald, and not be able to play golf with your friend who has perfect hair (and is probably a real life version of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho).




7. Dirt Devil: Fred Astaire




10 years after his death in 1987, Dirt Devil digitally brought Fred Astaire back to life to sell their new Broom Vac...by dancing with it.

Along with potentially creating mass confusion among older viewers, this commercial felt a little bit tacky. It also caused a rift in Astaire's surviving family; his wife had sold the licensing rights because she believed it was "what Fred would have wanted,"

His daughter, on the other hand, was understandably sickened by site of her dead father dancing on screen with a household cleaning product.

She also took the easy set up the company's name gave her, stating that her father's career had been "sold to the devil."



6. Groupon: Save The Money (Tibet)



In 2011, Groupon decided to make its foray into televised advertising on the biggest stage possible. Their idea was to have celebrities start things off with what looked like a PSA for various important causes, but then abruptly switch into an endorsement of people coming together to help themselves instead.

It was risky advertising territory to say the least. And when actor Timothy Hutton (the main guy from Leverage) did a spot that seemed to make light of the oppressed people of Tibet, people were pretty ticked off.

To Groupon's credit, they did set up donation links to every cause that they made fun of in their commercials...although their stock price still seems to have experienced some pretty bad karma before finally rebounding this year.




5. Bud Light: Classroom




The first problem with this 2007 ad is the fact that a lesson on ways to ask for and deny beer to others in various, over done accents is being taught inside of a classroom. But any weirdness from that set up is quickly overshadowed by the commercial's content and its pitch man: Carlos Mencia

You would think that it would be an impossibly redundant task to make yourself into an unfunny version of George Lopez. But somehow, Mencia does it.

In this commercial, we find him in his usual comfort zone of joking about various racial stereotypes. Aside from the fact that the ad isn't funny at all, its cringe factor is even worse when you consider the fact that the bit part players are better at being funny than the actual comedian who is playing off of them.





4. Lifeminders.com




The whole "not an ad" ad technique can work really well if it's done right: Fedex did one of the best ones you'll ever see back in 1998. But in 2000, Lifeminders.com took the premise from an exercise in meta sales pitching to an act of unspeakable pain and suffering.

They start off by telling you that this is "the worst commercial on the Super Bowl," followed by explaining their bizarre business model (sending you streams of emails about things that you might be interested in) and why it's not spam.

All this is being displayed as black text against a yellow background while Chopsticks is played on an out of tune piano by what you have to imagine is a very angry or child or incredibly intelligent cat.

Any inclination you may have had to give the company the benefit of the doubt (and sign up to have them flood your inbox) is quickly washed away by the 30 second assault on your senses that a start up company paid millions of dollars to inflict upon a massive audience.




3. Salesgenie.com: Pandas




Not even the inherent adorableness of pandas could save Salesgenie from themselves (and making the list for a second time). This 2008 ad features a family of cheaply produced cartoon Pandas that use Salesgenie to help them with their bamboo furniture business.

They also exhibit stereotypical Chinese accents and mannerisms, which are portrayed so badly that even Mickey Rooney would have felt uncomfortable watching it.




2. Apple: Lemmings



This one was so bad that it already warranted its own post here before.

In 1984, Apple premiered what many still consider to be the greatest televised advertisement of all time.  This commercial, which was directed by Ridley Scott and aired aired during the 1984 Superbowl, was aptly named 1984 (which was a fairly obvious reference to the George Orwell novel of the same name).

It was supposed to represent the individualism of Apple (in the form of a hot chick with a hammer) fighting against conformity or "The Man." Even though the creators of the ad denied targeting IBM as the enslaving overlord figure, Steve Jobs pretty much said that's totally who they were talking about.

In 1985, Apple once again tried to catch some dystopian future magic with their new 'Lemmings' commercial. But instead of featuring a powerful individual overcoming conformity, it had men in business suits marching to their deaths while an off-key version of Heigh-Ho played in the background.

Apple may get a lot of crap for its "only true individuals use our products" message, but that's still much better than the "buy our products or you might kill yourself" message they seemed to be going for here.



1. Just For Feet: Kenya Mission



In 1999, rapidly growing shoe retailer Just For Feet hired the Saatchi & Saatchi ad firm to put the company on the world stage with their first Super Bowl commercial spot.


What they came up with was a bunch of white guys in military gear hunting a black barefoot runner in Kenya. They give him water that is laced with a knock-out drug, wait till he is unconscious, and then force a pair of shoes on his feet. When the runner wakes up, he (along with every capital investor in the shoe company) screams in terror and runs off while trying to get rid of the unwanted footwear that has been forced upon him.

As you might imagine, the backlash generated by this ad was pretty severe; Salon.com even referred to it as "the ad from hell". But the perhaps the best description came from the Des Moines Register, who stated that the commercial was "...something that makes Denny’s and Texaco look like abolitionists.”


The ad was so poorly received that Just For Feet actually sued Saatchi and Saatchi (the case was later dropped) before eventually filing for bankruptcy later that year due to rampant accounting fraud...and probably a bit of bad brand awareness that they paid a few million to get.



Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 


Friday, February 1, 2013

Weird Crime: Beware the Muffin Macer




Duluth, Minnesota

On January 7, 2013, a young woman entered a Super America gas station to purchase cigarettes. As she began to tell the cashier her order, a young man walked up behind her, waited a few seconds, and then proceeded to shout out his choice of smokes over her.

Now I'm never one to have much patience in line at the gas station, but this guy's need for nicotine (or an exceptionally bad case of douche-itis) prohibited him from waiting all of 30 seconds for the woman he was in line behind to complete her order. He deserved a little bad karma to come his way.

Unfortunately for him, the lady that he decided to mess with turned out to be a bigger douche bag than he or any other man could ever hope to be.


The Female Douche Bag: A very rare and dangerous hybrid.


After exchanging F-bombs and other pleasantries, the woman proceeded to individually pick up and purchase the gas station's entire supply of stale muffins just to make the guy wait longer and piss him off some more. It was a Larry David-worthy move of getting under the skin of someone who had royally ticked you off.

But unfortunately, our revenge-purchasing muffin lady lost any and all sympathy she may have earned at this point by also revealing herself to be a complete and total idiot.

It began with her screaming at the man that if he didn't like how long she was taking at the counter, then there was a "nice-ass f##king parking lot" and to "get in there!" This seemed to leave him more bewildered and bemused than burned.


"They've got landscaped islands and everything!"


She then turned around and proclaimed that she could "do this all day." Since "this" was purchasing muffins from a gas station, her health and wallet seemed to be much more in harm's way than her adversary, who at this point began openly mocking her ill-conceived attempt at revenge.

When he tries to point out that there are only 15 more muffins left at the counter, she responds by sticking her middle finger in his face and screaming that there were "only 15 more ass whoopings left" if he did not leave her presence post haste.

The man then began to give a forced laugh for her benefit, even urging her to "have a sense of humor" about the entire situation. This caused her to threaten to have her boyfriend (who is apparently waiting outside in that nice-ass f##king parking lot) come beat him up...which she then follows up with repeated requests that he "say something else."


In most cultures, pursed lips and repeated use of the phrase
"say something else" by a female is equivalent to an air raid siren.


When the man did not comply with her request, she decides to retaliate anyway by macing him in the face.

As the he tumbled back out of the camera's view, the muffin lady confidently explains to him that "that's what's up," she did in fact get enough muffins, and that she will now be on her way.

As she leaves, the man comes back into frame, clearly in a great deal of pain. The clerk, who did absolutely nothing at all to the defuse the situation, lamely tells the maced customer that he may want to go to the bathroom and "spray your eyes out."

Embedded below is the very NSFW security cam footage of the incident, which was uploaded to YouTube on January 23. WDIO.com Eyewitness News contacted the person who uploaded it, but they had no comment except to say that the incident did indeed take place in Duluth, Minnesota.





At this time, neither the woman nor the man in the video have been identified. One can only hope that his eyes are feeling better, her stomach survived eating all those stale muffins, and that they both decide never to have children.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.