A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: Beware the Muffin Macer

Duluth, Minnesota

On January 7, 2013, a young woman entered a Super America gas station to purchase cigarettes. As she began to tell the cashier her order, a young man walked up behind her, waited a few seconds, and then proceeded to shout out his choice of smokes over her.

Now I'm never one to have much patience in line at the gas station, but this guy's need for nicotine (or an exceptionally bad case of douche-itis) prohibited him from waiting all of 30 seconds for the woman he was in line behind to complete her order. He deserved a little bad karma to come his way.

Unfortunately for him, the lady that he decided to mess with turned out to be a bigger douche bag than he or any other man could ever hope to be.

The Female Douche Bag: A very rare and dangerous hybrid.

After exchanging F-bombs and other pleasantries, the woman proceeded to individually pick up and purchase the gas station's entire supply of stale muffins just to make the guy wait longer and piss him off some more. It was a Larry David-worthy move of getting under the skin of someone who had royally ticked you off.

But unfortunately, our revenge-purchasing muffin lady lost any and all sympathy she may have earned at this point by also revealing herself to be a complete and total idiot.

It began with her screaming at the man that if he didn't like how long she was taking at the counter, then there was a "nice-ass f##king parking lot" and to "get in there!" This seemed to leave him more bewildered and bemused than burned.

"They've got landscaped islands and everything!"

She then turned around and proclaimed that she could "do this all day." Since "this" was purchasing muffins from a gas station, her health and wallet seemed to be much more in harm's way than her adversary, who at this point began openly mocking her ill-conceived attempt at revenge.

When he tries to point out that there are only 15 more muffins left at the counter, she responds by sticking her middle finger in his face and screaming that there were "only 15 more ass whoopings left" if he did not leave her presence post haste.

The man then began to give a forced laugh for her benefit, even urging her to "have a sense of humor" about the entire situation. This caused her to threaten to have her boyfriend (who is apparently waiting outside in that nice-ass f##king parking lot) come beat him up...which she then follows up with repeated requests that he "say something else."

In most cultures, pursed lips and repeated use of the phrase
"say something else" by a female is equivalent to an air raid siren.

When the man did not comply with her request, she decides to retaliate anyway by macing him in the face.

As the he tumbled back out of the camera's view, the muffin lady confidently explains to him that "that's what's up," she did in fact get enough muffins, and that she will now be on her way.

As she leaves, the man comes back into frame, clearly in a great deal of pain. The clerk, who did absolutely nothing at all to the defuse the situation, lamely tells the maced customer that he may want to go to the bathroom and "spray your eyes out."

Embedded below is the very NSFW security cam footage of the incident, which was uploaded to YouTube on January 23. WDIO.com Eyewitness News contacted the person who uploaded it, but they had no comment except to say that the incident did indeed take place in Duluth, Minnesota.

At this time, neither the woman nor the man in the video have been identified. One can only hope that his eyes are feeling better, her stomach survived eating all those stale muffins, and that they both decide never to have children.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.

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