As 2013 comes to a close, let's take a moment to look back at the Top 10 Weird Crime stories of the past year. There may be a few days left until January 1, 2014 (which is more than enough time for Florida to come through with a late entry), but this year's group will be pretty tough to beat.
A brief summary can be found under the picture or mugshot (if its available) for each entry along with a link to the full story. Fair warning: The 'Full Story' links to the one from this site, because page views are like crack to crappy blogs like this one. Feel free to Google the perpetrators names for other sources and to spite me.
Now without further delay, our list begins with firearms and frozen treats in my hometown of Charleston.
10. We All Scream For Ice Cream (And Guns).
Thanks to the underrated 2008 horror film 'Home Movie', my neighborhood's ice cream truck sends a bit of a shiver down my spine. Add in the out of tune church hymns and Christmas music in July, and I'm ready to hide every time it circles around my house.
But for 59-year-old Richard Lee Hill, his feelings of malice towards the roving sugar sales van were much more aggressive...so much so that he accosted his neighborhood ice cream lady with a gun while she was surrounded by a group children. Full Story
9. Slugging the Slushie Machine
26-year-old Brenda Diaz went on a rampage inside of a Dunkin Donuts which culminated in her destroying their slushie machine. She then took off all her clothes, ran across the street, and got into a physical altercation with the police. To make matters worse, all of this occurred with her children, ages 8 and 11, watching from the back seat of her car. Full Story
8. (Un)Safety Dance
Marijuana will make you do some weird stuff. But as 34-year-old Felix Lockett found out the hard way, mixing marijuana with embalming fluid will make you crash your car, get naked, and dance in the middle of the street despite sustaining serious injuries. Full Story
7. Poop and Blood Stains on the Carpet
Waking up in the middle of the night to find that your crazy ex-girlfriend has broken into your apartment would scare any man. But if that crazy ex-girlfriend is 51-year-old Joanna Weatherford, you can also expect a trail of human feces leading from the window to your bed side...right before she tries to kill you with a meat cleaver. Full Story
6. You Don't Steal Another Man's Frozen Gopher Feet
The story: 37-year-old Tina Marie Garrison and her son, 18-year-old Junior Lee Dillon, stole approximately $4,200 worth of frozen gopher feet from someone. The real story: YOU CAN MAKE $4,200 COLLECTING DEAD GOPHER FEET!? Full Story
5. Revenge is a Dish Best Served at 1500 psi
Thanks to electronic records, very few people ask for receipts anymore. But 61-year-old Thomas Birdsall is serious about retaining a hard copy of his purchases. When a gas station attendant was unable to find one for him fast enough (despite the fact that she went to the trouble of digging through the trash for it), Birdsall decided to get revenge by pressure washing hell out of the store's front windows. Full Story
4. Sometimes Every Answer to a Multiple Choice Question is Wrong
Asking for your girlfriend's hand in marriage and getting rejected has got to feel terrible. But for 22-year-old Thomas Edwards Jr (or 'Zim', as he called himself), the fact that he had done this while standing naked outside her house at 3:00 AM probably made it feel a lot worse.
When the police showed up, Thomas asked to be arrested, which they were happy to do. Unfortunately, he also asked if headbutting and spitting on them would ensure his incarceration. Despite being advised against physically assaulting the officers, Thomas decided to anyway. Full Story
3. Kidnappings, Marriage Proposals, and Tips Under 10% Not Appreciated
42-year-old Jonathan Quinlan decided to cap off a morning/early afternoon of drinking by ordering himself a pizza from Papa Gino's. At approximately 3:00 PM, a 22-year-old female delivery person arrived at his home with the order.
For Jonathan, it was love at first sight. For her...not so much. But that didn't stop him from trapping her inside his home, asking her to marry him, and declaring that their meeting that day was "destiny." Full Story
2. Please Don't Litter (Or I Will Eat Your Face).
20-year-old Key West resident Cassi Lyn Clayton has a criminal history that indicates she's a bit of a bad girl. But don't think that means she doesn't care about the environment. After observing a tourist throw some garbage onto the beach, Cassi took matters into her own hands (and mouth) by biting the litterer on the face.
I tried to reach out to Cassi to ask her about the incident (and declare my undying love for her), but was firmly rejected. Full Story
1. Would You Like Fries And An Arrow To The Knee With That?
Everyone gets mad when their fast food order is messed up. A large part of the food's cost is placed in the convenience, which has essentially just been obliterated. 28-year-old Jason Mckusick, however, wasn't about to let his local pizza delivery joint of choice get away with skimping him on an order of fries.
But what started out as a harsh verbal disagreement soon escalated into a SWAT team stand off while Jason held his family hostage with a cross bow. The police, however, were finally able to get him to put the weapons down...and that's when things got really bad. Full Story
Hope you enjoyed these stories. With Florida, Pennsylvania, and Germany still pumping out bizarre police/crimes reports, we can probably look forward to an even weirder 2014, as well.
Unless someone finally pulls this off.
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