A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

The Worst Halloween Costumes of 2016

A few years ago, I spent a particularly soul crushing afternoon scouring the internet for the worst mass produced Halloween costumes available.

With the passage of time and dulling of my spirit, I finally feel ready again to take a trip down this rabbit hole. Within the sea of Harley Quinn's and various Star Wars characters, I was able to dig up some truly awful getups.

Just like before, links to the costume's pages are at the bottom of each photo. I will warn you, however, that the following outfits cannot be worn ironically. They are objectively terrible.

Let's start with the men.

Beer Pong Cup

At first glance, this actually appears to be a somewhat fun costume. Unfortunately, you're pretty much guaranteed to get pelted in the head every time you put that giant pingpong ball down (especially if I happen to be at the same party).

Bun Maker

Nothing shows that you've transitioned from Child Halloween to Adult Halloween like spending $40 on a stupid hat and an apron that boldly proclaims I WILL IMPREGNATE YOU.

Now to be fair, there is a women's Bun in the Oven costume available that provides the one pictured above with some slightly better context...although it's still weird to wearing an overpriced outfit that instead declares I IMPREGNATED THIS WOMAN.

Big Baby Adult 

You know what's even more disturbing than that generous level of thigh exposure? The store selling this costume does not provide a picture of the latex baby mask, which probably means it's even more horrifying that what you see here.

They also don't include those fuzzy blue booties, most like due to the fact that only a psychotic person who already owns their own pair would buy this.

If you do decide to wear this costume, then make sure to go visit Mr. Bunmaker, who you'll find sitting in a corner and crying into his chef hat.

Snake Charmer

Yikes! All cultural appropriation/racist stereotype issues aside, this one is all the more terrifying due to its aggressive symbolism.

Think I'm overreacting? Then ask yourself if you'd take a drink from this man in a glass that you did not personally watch him fill. Yeah...I didn't think so.

Genie in the Lamp

No thanks, Mr. Rapey McRaperton. If I can still make a wish without caressing your junk, though, it would be for you to die in a fire.

Now let's take a look at some of the costume offerings for couples.

Plug and Socket Adult Costume

Hardy freaking har. Very subtle. 

Never mind the fact that any people you talk to will feel insanely uncomfortable as they wait for the inevitable moment when you start giggling and bumping your pelvises together.

Also, I'm not exactly sure how to feel about the 'adult' listing on this one. On one hand, it's good that they identified it as a 'mature' costume theme. On the other hand, however, it makes me worried that there might be a child equivalent.

Nerds Couples Costume

You guys better not have a fight or get sick of each other's company. Much like the last few NERDS at the bottom of the box, you're stuck together until the party's over.

On the plus side, the Snake Charmer and Genie dudes will probably leave you alone.

Peanut Butter / Jelly Couple

Another costume that seems like a good one at first. Even if your partner keeps suggestively raising their eyebrows and whispering "It's peanut butter jelly time," the solid theme and excellent craftsmanship still make it worth wearing.

But you've also got to consider that if the two of you decide to separate from each other, at least one person (probably me) will be unable to resist shoving you back into each other to make a sandwich.

Coke Diet Coke Couples Costume

Get it? The woman is Diet Coke because women are always dieting and the man is regular Coke because his appearance doesn't matter! Casual sexism is hilarious!

Speaking of that, let's move onto the women's costumes.

Sexy Ken Bone

Yep. For the low price of $95.95, you can parlay the bipartisan love for America's favorite undecided voter into your own personal douchebag magnet--and the costume comes with a free pair of panties (seriously).

This is disgusting. I get that we'll never escape the ever expanding glut of sexy-theme halloween costumes, but Ken Bone is a national treasure. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Sexy Harambe

*Sigh* I guess not. Moving on...

Christmas Story Bunny Dress

Part of what made Ralphie's costume in A Christmas Story so adorable/mortifying is that it was a onesie, which this clearly is not.

Also, the gloves completely cover your fingers, which you're going to need to pick up the giant inflatable ping pong ball and pelt the red cup guy. Once your head gets too hot and you take down the hood, you're just wearing a cheap-looking pink mini dress that cost $54.00. Nice work.

Pumpkin Spice

Look, I am an unabashed pumpkin spice fan. You can make fun of me all you want, but that stuff is delicious. What I am not a fan of, however, are food-based costumes that look like something from the closet of an interstellar prostitute.

Sexy Yoda

Unable to continue with this portion of the list, am I. 

Let's move on to the one's who often suffer most from the entries on this list: The Children.

Peanut Butter N Jelly Child

Remember my warning about the adult PB&J costume wearers getting shoved together? Then what the hell do you think is going to happen to a couple kids surrounded by their sugar-infused peers?

Angry Birds Red Infant

It won't be me, but there's a decent chance that someone might throw your baby...

Angry Birds King Pig

...unless this kid shows up. Then your baby is definitely going airborne.

Cheerless Leader

We get it. During your high school days, you hated the preps, jocks, cheerleaders, and sports in general. That's fine. It doesn't mean you have to use your child as a billboard to project your still simmering feelings.

Unless they picked this costume out themselves. Then you just need to stop letting them listen to so much Fall Out Boy.

Arahcnomania Child Morphsuit Costume

If you want your kid to feel soul-crushingly self conscious, then sending them out on Halloween in full body spandex should probably do the trick. Covering them in spiders is just redundant.

Whoopie Cushion Child Costume

Congratulations, kid. You could have pretended to be anything and decided to spend Halloween as a fake fart. Also, everyone is going to try and sit on you, including spider boy up there. That won't be awkward or anything.

Where's Waldo Child's Costume Kit

Nothing necessarily wrong with the costume, but you only have yourself to blame when your child goes missing on purpose.


That's all I can take for now. I hope you enjoyed this list and that it DID NOT inspire any ideas for you or your children this Halloween. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go see if I can find the Zombie Death Trooper Costume in an adult size.

Don't judge.

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