A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Terrible Halloween Costumes

(photo @ mooncostumes)

I am always amazed every Halloween at how absolutely terrible some of the costumes are. Not necessarily in craftsmanship, but in the idea and execution. Some things just should not be attempted as a costume.

But after a few soul crushing hours searching through various online retailers, I found plenty of examples of costumes that should never, ever exist...and are on sale now!  The names of the costumes have not been changed (except in a few cases for the sake of clarification) and the link below each picture will lead you to the costume's actual sale page...and down a path of madness and despair. Let's start slowly and work our way down the spiral, shall we?

First off, we'll begin with some costumes that are not really costumes at all:

Indiana Jones Deluxe Mutt Costume

This item was originally $49.99, but it has been marked down to $16.99. That's probably because it's just a cheaply made (fake) leather jacket. Oh, and that wimpy looking sword that the depressed looking photo model is wielding? It's sold separately.  

My Little Pony Adult Costume Kit

For only $24.99, you can own a My Little Pony t-shirt, a pair of fuzzy ears, and the knowledge that you have no creativity or imagination at all. By the way, if you want those rockin' pink shoes, they will cost you more than the shirt/ears combo.

Sexy Halloween Costume

Yep, that's it. It's just a blue jump suit with the word "Halloween" emblazoned across the left side. This one will be the first of many poorly executed "sexy" women's costumes that we will look at, but at least there's a theme with the others. The theme for this one just seems to be a severe lack of imagination and a depressing cry for help. You can "complete the look!" by paying separately for a fake knife and the wig seen in the photograph.

Moon Adult Costume

This little number originally retailed for $94.99, but it is now available at the "BLOWOUT" price of $64.99 along with all of your remaining dignity.

Sunny Clause

Going to a Halloween party as Santa Claus is weird enough. Going as Santa while dealing with a mid life crisis and/or going on vacation is even weirder and somewhat creepy. Speaking of creepy...

Flesh Skin Suit 

Yes, now you can live out the dream of Buffalo Bill from 'Silence of the Lambs' and have your own human skin suit. This costume is sure to give you easy access to any part of the room at your Halloween party; everyone will be avoiding you completely and attempting to not make eye contact.

Cry Baby Adult Costume

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. For starters, it's just a dumb idea. I get people dressing up as a baby for Halloween, but the giant hoop and polyester body suit are a little off putting. I will, however, give this one credit for leaving something to the imagination, unlike our next examples:

Adult Baby Girl Costume

and of course....

Adult Baby (Boy) Costume

Yes, your untanned, pasty thighs will be center stage, accented by what looks like a diaper full of poop and a hilariously over sized safety pin. Staying with the couples theme...

Rubik's Cube

I (along with many other highly intelligent youths) figured out the secret to the Rubik's cube a long time ago; you just peel the stickers off from other sides and stick them in the right places. It's not that hard.

Unfortunately, deciphering the message/theme that this couple is going for is incredibly difficult. They are both wearing something around their waist that would encourage others grabbing and twisting near their crotches. This does not sound like a recipe for a pleasant evening...unless you're the dude wearing the flesh skin suit.

Peanuts Sally Adult Costume

HOLY CRAP that is terrifying. I'm going to guess that any girl that wears this costume takes off the head portion after sweating profusely and having holy water hurled at her by frightened party guests.

Dreidel Adult Costume

If you are Jewish and you wear this to a Halloween party, you might get away with it. Keep in mind that "getting away with it" means severe ridicule and social ostracising. Otherwise, you're just being really weird and bigoted.

Munchen Ramen Adult Costume

If you have the incredibly stupid notion to show up at a college Halloween party dressed like this, you may get boiled alive. You would deserve it, too.

Sponge Bob Squarepants with Drop Down Front Adult Costume

An adult dressing as Sponge Bob is bad enough. An adult dressing as Sponge Bob while exposing his underwear is grounds to keep you at least 100 yards away from any school building or playground. And while we're on the subject of Sponge Bob...

Sexy Sponge Bob Adult Costume

If you're going to embarrass yourself and go dressed as a children's television character, then at least actually dress AS THAT CHARACTER. If you go as a sexed up version of that character, all you're doing is attracting the attention of guys who wear flesh skin suits.

Unfortunately, this is not the only example of "sexy" children's characters that I found.

Elmo Adult Sassy Female Costume

Elmo? Really? Can it get any worse? I'm glad you asked...

Sesame Street Oscar Ladies Adult Costume

The only redeeming quality about this costume is that it looks like Oscar the Grouch is devouring the costume wearer's head, which would save us from anyone who wore this having offspring.

Sesame Street Cookie Monster Adult Women's Costume

Oh c'mon! Really? The overeating, insane, and most likely diabetic Cookie Monster has also been made into a "sexy" costume? How much more inappropriate can it get?

Sexy Pinocchio Adult Costume

I shouldn't have asked. While all Pinocchio ever wanted was to be a real boy, any girl that wears this clearly wants to ignore some serious daddy issues and get as much depraved attention as possible. You also gotta love how Jiminy Cricket is emblazoned on the skirt, encouraging you to "give a little whistle." While this request in the context of Pinocchio's story had the whistle be a call for friendship and to resist temptation, this outfit uses it to encourage crude cat calls.

Is there any subject/theme that Halloween costume shops won't try to turn into a "sexy" version for women?

Heinz Mustard Tank Dress Adult Costume

No. No there isn't. Let's move onto another subject before my entire childhood is ruined along with my appetite.

Big Foot Adult Costume

I don't get it; the costume is just a foot that's really big. What is so great about a big foot...oh, I see what they did there. Moving along...

Let's not forget the children. They too can be the victims of terrible costume choices.

Whac-a-Mole Child Costume

It's all fun and games until your child wears a costume that encourages all the other kids to beat the living crap out of him. Don't bother checking his candy for razor blades; just make sure the doctors check for internal bleeding.

Rovio Angry Birds King Pig Child Costume

Going with the same theme of encouraging others to physically abuse your child, having them dress up as the main target of the popular Angry Birds game is simply asking for them to receive a severe Halloween beat down.

#2 Pencil Child Costume

So on the night when your child gets to pretend that they are their favorite hero or mythical character, you dress them up as a pencil? You are a terrible parent.

Fallen Angel Pre-Teen Costume

Correction: Letting your child go out in this costume makes you a terrible parent. Even if this one wasn't blatantly named "Fallen Angel," you might as well personally invite all the girls at your daughter's school to hate her and and all the boys to co op their sex ed class with some on the job training.

By the way, there were plenty of other "sexy" teen and preteen costumes I could give as examples, but in addition to my complete loss of faith in humanity, I don't want my website ending up in searches that lead to Chris Hansen asking me to have a seat.

Kids Mac Daddy Pimp Costume

When you combine little children with prostitution, crime, and blatant/degrading misogyny, it's just adorable!

Kids Lightweight Cockroach Costume

Because fitting in and making friends is just a little too easy, you can dress up your child in a cheap looking version of the most domestically hated insect in existence. 

I do have to give this one points for accuracy, though; kids definitely carry a lot of diseases and run like crazy when you shine a light on them.

That's all that my soul can take for now; I need to go take a shower for about 4 hours and then quietly sob in a corner. If you liked this feature, let me know and I'll see what else I can dig up...within reason.

 "So why does your internet search history have
so many queries for children's Halloween costumes?"

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.  

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