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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Weird Crime Wednesday: Publix Palm Punch

(photo @ health.com)


Bonita Springs, Florida

On Friday, March 14 of 2014, 56-year-old Stephen Jones was suffering a common grocery store parking lot predicament: Being stuck while waiting to turn. When you combine the horde of roaming pedestrians who are normally found in those types of parking lots...along with being in Florida (i.e. God's Waiting Room)....then a simple left turn can easily become a 10-15 minute ordeal.

Unfortunately, behind Stephen was a gold Lexus occupied by two old people who clearly did not appreciate his situation. The driver began laying on the horn at him, demanding (I guess) that he turn into oncoming traffic for the sake of their convenience.

After a while, Stephen decided to call their 'road rage tough guy' bluff', exiting the car and walking over to them. Now this isn't the actual 'crime' part of the incident, but it is the the point in the story where two separate douchebag behaviors occur.

1. When Stephen approached the vehicle, its occupants rolled up their windows and refused to speak to or acknowledge him.






If you're going to have the gall to lay on the horn at somebody stopped in front of you (which in car language means "YOU'RE A STUPID ASSHOLE"), then you better have the balls to also say it with your mouth when the target of your ire confronts you...

...unless of course they have a gun. You don't want to be caught on an angry Floridian's ground when it starts moving in your direction.

2. Stephen claims that he got out of his car and walked towards the Lexus to "see if they had a problem." 

C'mon, man.We all know you were actually going back there to colorfully describe them as various parts of the human anatomy....and you were pretty justified in doing so. Don't play the faux innocence card.


No one will ever do it better than Eddie, anyway


After Stephen got back into his car, however, 61-year-old Eileen Nemeroff finally found her courage, springing forth from the passenger's seat and storming over to (a now seated) Stephen. According to multiple witnesses, she then proceeded to call him a bunch of nasty names while reaching into his car and slapping him across the face.

To Stephen's credit, he responded by calmly getting out of his car and taking a picture of his attacker's license plate...which he was lucky to catch since the Nemeroff's car hopped a curb and sped away.

The police later caught up to Eileen Nemeroff at her home, where she was arrested and charged with assault and burglary (?). The burglary charge is for reaching into Stephen's truck, but the question mark remains due to that still not making sense.


...unless she also managed to steal Stephen's sunshine


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, an angry woman decides to take the day's frustrations out on her husband rather than overly cautious motorists.





Friday, March 14, 2014

Weird Crime: I'm Lovin' It Again




Oneonta, New York

In the early morning hours of March 10, 2014, 31-year-old Zachary Boynton decided to hit up McDonald's for a late night meal. Unfortunately, he was also drunk.

Now as everyone knows, going through the drive thru at the Golden Arches while intoxicated can often result in two very unfortunate outcomes:

1. Ordering a Filet-O-Fish
2. Ramming into another vehicle.

While no information exists about what Zachary ordered, he did manage to slam into the back of the car in front of him. The police were called, Zachary got a ticket, and he was turned over to some sober friends....who apparently didn't realize that driving under the influence wasn't a new thing for their fast food craving companion.

At 5:16 AM that same morning, the same McDonald's called police to report that a drunk driver had slammed into the side of their building. Sure enough, it was Zachary behind the wheel again (and apparently unaware that the lobby didn't open until 6:00 AM.

The police did what they should have done the first time with a repeat offender (he'd just been busted a few months ago for the same offense) and arrested him at his home later that day.

Zachary Boyton was charged with a second DWI and is currently awaiting trial


...and a plain sundae.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a drunk person solves their late night hunger issues with Taco Bell or Waffle House like everyone else.




Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weird Crime: Lend Me Your Ear & Last Month's Rent

(photo @ legaljuice)


In the early morning hours of Saturday, March 8 of 2014, 36-year-old Anthony Carusso got into an argument with his fairly attractive live-in girlfriend, 31-year-old Danielle Neblung. Their late night disagreement was allegedly over the rent for the apartment they shared.

Fights about money between couples can often turn pretty nasty, especially if one of them is mentally unstable. But judging from Danielle's Facebook page, the Detroit area makeup artists simply appears to be a quirky gal who really loves animals...even if this picture implies a bit of latent crazy within her.


Where is your god now?


That crazy came to the fore, however, when the late night fight between her and Anthony turned physical. When he tried to walk away from the altercation and into the bedroom, Danielle proceeded to repeatedly punch him in the face/head

After that failed to get his attention, however, she kicked things up a notch by jumping on on his back and biting off a portion of Anthony's left ear. Anthony, as you might expect, decided at that point to call the police. 

Officers arrived on the scene and found the rest of Anthony's ear, which paramedics were able reattach. Meanwhile, Danielle tried to claim that she was actually attacked first and simply defending herself. Her boyfriend's gnarly injuries, however, told an entirely different story.


Anthony being interviewed by MyFoxDetroit...
...or demonstrating an early Lobot prototype


Danielle Neblung was arrested and charged with aggravated assault. Her bond was set at $10,000 and she is due back in court on Monday, March 17

And even though Anthony Carusso's ear was reattached, it is still unknown if surgery will help make that a permanent condition. He is planning to ask prosecutors to lay the hammer down on Danielle, because no one likes getting Tysoned in the middle of the night.



...even if your girlfriend looks good 
enough to pull off a decent mugshot.



Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, an angry girlfriend decides that getting her boyfriend's ear is not something to be done with a literal interpretation in mind.



Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Weird Crime Wednesday: Under Armor





Portland, Oregon

At approximately 3:00 AM on the morning of March 2, 2014, police responded to a report about a man trying to break into an ATM machine. This might seem like a pretty typical late night call, but the suspect in question had apparently decided to go the 'Lethal Weapon 4' route of committing crime...by donning full body armor and using a blow torch.

This brings us to the first of three major questions about this incident: 1. Why would someone try to use a blow torch to open up an ATM? At best it's inefficient, but at worst it's incredibly dangerous (hence the body armor, I guess).

When officers arrived on the scene, the suspect attempted to peppery spray one of them and missed. He then proceeded to ditch his back pack (which held the blow torch along with a large knife and a stun gun) and ran away. That brings up to our next question: 2. Out of all the weapons the criminal had at his disposal, why did he go with pepper spray?

Look, I'm glad he didn't use any of them since it would have hurt the officer, but seriously...why even pack a large knife and stun gun if you're not going to use them in the first place? Also, if this guy has played any survival/FPS games at all in the last decade, how could he not know about the whole 'Pepper Spray + Blow Torch = Awesome Flamethrower' trick?


                                                             imfdb
"...or just peppery spray. That should work, too."


Once the police caught up to the suspect and apprehended him, they discovered that 32-year-old Mark Fischer was not only heavily armed, he was also well protected downstairs...with homemade armored underwear. The protective undergarments are strange enough on their own, but they beg an even bigger question: 3. What the hell happened to this guy that caused him to be so paranoid/defensive about his junk?

Keep in mind that the primary instrument being utilized in his attempted heist was a blow torch. The trial-and-error possibilities he may have gone through before that day are almost enough to make you feel sorry for him. Unfortunately for Mark, the police weren't in a sympathetic mood.

Mark Fischer was arrested and charged with being a felon in possession of body armor (?), first-degree attempted aggravated theft, attempted assault on a police officer, third-degree attempted escape, interfering with a peace officer, menacing, and possession of burglary tools. He was booked into the Multnomah County Jail, where he currently awaiting trial.


...and plotting revenge on Murtaugh and Riggs.




Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, an ATM thief decides that loudly burning a hole through dense plastic isn't the best way to make a score.