A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Abandoned at an Interstate Rest Area Bathroom

The story that I am about to tell you is absolutely true.  It involves extreme physical discomfort, terrible public embarrassment, and the realization just because someone is your parent, doesn't mean that they can't do something awful and devoid of human compassion to their child.

Thank the Lord this story is not about me.  This tale happened to a good friend of mine named Marie, who has allowed me the privilege of telling her story of betrayal and embarrassment.

This is a picture of Marie and her adorable baby, Elliott.  Along with her husband, James (who is also awesome), Marie is part of a happy, beautiful, and wonderful family.  Whenever she talks about little Elliott, her voice changes and her face lights up in a way only a proud and loving mother's could.  You can truly tell that she loves this child with all her heart...and that she would never do him what was done to her one day when she was on a family vacation.

When Marie was 11 years old, her family was traveling down the interstate when they decided to stop at a rest area.  This was not only for a quick stretching of the legs, but also because Marie and her mother desperately had to use the restroom.

Now for many of my male readers, there are two things that you need to be aware of about women's restrooms:

1.)  They are almost always way nicer than our restrooms.

 It's usually just because of the decorative plants, but still....

2.)  They are always crowded and the lines are incredibly long.

Marie and her mother got in line to wait for an open stall.  After a few minutes, 2 stalls conveniently became open that were right next to each other.   Marie and her mother both entered their stalls at the same time.  As Marie gingerly prepared to do her business, her mother wasted no time at all; after entering the stall, she promptly began to unleash the fury.

Now when I say that Marie's mother "unleashed the fury," it was described to me as sounding like this:

...only much louder and not at all funny.

Marie sat there in disbelief as her mom unabashedly brought forth Montezuma's Revenge upon her fellow rest area occupants.  Even most guys will admit to having a bit of shyness when it comes to dropping bombs in a public restroom.  This, however, was an adult woman bringing the heat in a crowded room full of strangers.

After Marie's mother had finished evacuating her bowels, there was a brief, awkward pause.  Then out of no where, Marie heard her mother lightly knocking on the wall between their stalls.

"Honey," she said, "are you alright in there?  It sounds like you have a stomach ache."


That's right.  Marie's mother totally passed the blame for her explosive diarrhea onto her 11 year old daughter.  Marie, who is normally very quick on the draw with comebacks for any situation, sat in stunned silence, unable to process how badly she had been betrayed by the very woman that had given birth to her.

"Ummm, yeah...I'm okay... " Marie tentatively answered.

"Well, it sounds like your stomach is really bothering you." her mother replied.  "You just stay in there as long as you need.  I'll be outside in the car."

And with that, Marie's mother left her daughter in a public bathroom stall to do the walk of shame for an epic dump that wasn't even her's.  

Marie waited for a while to let some of the audience that had heard/smelled her mom's crime against humanity cycle out of the restroom.  She then went back to the car, lost a little bit of faith in the universe, and her family vacation resumed as if nothing had happened.

To this day, Marie has yet to receive an apology.

Or a courtesy flush


teachME2play said…
Nicely told, Nick. I would like to make a minor correction to one detail of the story. After the incident, she did not leave me there... she actually told me to hurry up. So, I had to come out of the stall and walk down a long line of sickened faces to the sink to wash my hands. That's right, I had to look each member of that audience bathroom in the eye. I had never been so ashamed for an act I didn't commit. I lost a little faith in humanity that day.
Anonymous said…
Another couple of corrections to your story, Nick. She was 18 (on the way to North Texas) not 11, AND she was apologized to that day. She does have her father's flare for story telling. Other than that, the story seems correct with Marie's corrections.
teachME2play said…
Mom, I love you dearly, however lets get serious, by 18 years old, I knew not to ever enter a restroom with you. Also, I think that what Nick meant by an apology would include the words "I'm sorry" and maybe a hint of remorse. Please don't get me wrong, as an adult, I find the entire story hilarious and envy your gall and quick-wittedness. But, as a preteen, I was mortified.
Anonymous said…
I love you dearly also.
Anonymous said…
Correction, the proper use of the word "the" is not something to be taken lightly.
Thank you for sharing this tip, I think that they should rehabilitate the bathroom if it's deteriorated.

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