Sunday, September 4, 2016

Weird Crime: Killer Clowns from Greenville?





Coulrophobiacoul·ro·pho·bia | (noun): an abnormal or extreme fear of clowns.

Defecate | def·e·cate | (verb): A bodily function that will likely occur in my pants if any part of this is true.


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When news starting coming out of Greenville last month that clowns were trying to lure children into the woods, it was easy to dismiss. While a child's welfare should never be taken lightly, the whole creepy clown story seemed a bit too on the nose. Surely this had to be the work some devious kid. They were probably up late and flipping through the program guide, saw the 1990 It miniseries, and got an idea for a prank that ended up going too far. They wouldn't have even needed a clown suit--just some solid rumor mongering and one false police report to give it the glossy sheen of legitimacy. 

The story also didn't seem to mesh very well with the whole clown horror motif. According to witnesses (most of whom refused to be identified), the clowns would try to draw the kids toward them by waving large amounts of cash and flashing green lights (?) in their direction.


If you're going to make up a story about a homicidal clown, then having him/her tempt kids with money is kind of lazy. Candy (which they also allegedly offered) might be cliche, but at least it lines up with the theme. Even Pennywise, the personification of all that is malevolent and evil, would have found this cash-for-souls method of entrapment to be beneath him.


Unfortunately, it's starting to look more and more like this isn't just a poorly conceived prank and/or a catastrophically bad viral marketing stunt.


Not only have the clown sightings drastically increased, but they are being witnessed by adults, as well. Even more terrifying are reports that many of the clowns (allegedly armed with knives) have begun knocking on people's doors in the middle of the night--with chains.


When my wife tried to point out that the door knocker could be a copycat or imposter clown, I calmly reminder her that IT'S STILL A FREAKING ARMED CLOWN AT SOMEONE'S DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!


In another reported incident, a woman looked up from doing her laundry to see a clown standing in her back yard. Staring at her. If that had been me, the pants I was wearing would have gone in the wash right then and there.


Things in Greenville have gone from nervously amusing to downright serious. One police chief has vowed to arrest anyone found wandering around town in a clown suit (which seems like a solid plan no matter what the circumstances are). As of now, however, they have no leads on who is doing this...except for a trail where many of the clown sightings have occurred, which (no joke) leads through the woods to an abandoned house. If you are promiscuous teenager, then it's virtually guaranteed that having relations anywhere near that property will result in a gruesome end. 

Thankfully, no one has been hurt yet. Let's hope the police catch the folks behind these creepy shenanigans are caught soon...or at least before my scheduled 3-day trip to Greenville in March.



Otherwise I'm commuting home every day.



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