Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Weird Crime Wednesday: The Proof is in the Pudding

Framingham, Massachusetts

The last 12 months have been pretty rough on 21-year-old David Blanchard. He and his girlfriend, 20-year-old Adriana Laurano, have been arrested twice: In March of 2013 for resisting arrest and in June for throwing rocks at a car. In David's defense, however, the people they were throwing rocks at had blown an air horn at them...but he also beat up a disabled person last year, too, so you shouldn't feel too bad for him.

On February 22 of 2014, however, David officially changed from being "short tempered and possibly just unlucky" to "severely deranged." After being arrested (again) for shoplifting at Kohl's, Blanchard's bail was set at $2,500. He probably should have expected this due to having a record, but it apparently pissed him off enough to call his lawyer...or somebody else.

Actually, none of the reports on this incident reveal who he was trying to reach. What they do say, however, is that Blanchard refused to inform the person on the other end of the line that the call would be recorded. This resulted in police terminating the call, which in turn set off a massive chain reaction of crazy.

Blanchard kicked things off by immediately assaulting two nearby officers. After being put into his cell, he attempted to choke and hang himself with the t-shirt he was wearing.

This is normally the part of the story where I'd move on and find something else to write about. It's hard to bring my brand of substandard, snarky humor about something as tragic as a person trying to end their own life (even someone like this guy). But what he did next, however, was equal parts hilariously ballsy and unbelievably disgusting.

Blanchard first proceeded to take a crap into his own hand. He then threw the freshly baked goods all over the cell, managing to also hit a nearby security camera. Officers quickly intervened and moved him to another holding area....which obviously did not have the desired effect, since he squirted out another Havana Omelette and threw it all over that one, as well.

The officers decided their next best move was to move him into a third cell, which I'm guessing they believed had some sort of magical anti-poop spell protecting it. Unfortunately for them, Blanchard was unaffected, once again chucking his butt nuggets everywhere with reckless abandon.

One of the police officers then made a terrible mistake, informing Blanchard that no one was "buying it." "It", in this case, was a strong enough display of psychosis to earn him a trip to the mental health facility.

Blanchard responded by looking the officer dead in the eyes, placing a dollop of feces into his hand, and shoving it into his mouth. As the officer looked on in what I'm guessing was a mixture of amazement and pain (in response the suppressing of his own gag reflex), Blanchard chewed the corn-stuffed Tootsie roll and smugly inquired "How about now?"

As you can probably imagine, this action finally earned David Blanchard his sought after trip to a mental health facility. He was cleared the next day (?) and sent back to prison, where he is currently awaiting an court day on March 13.

In the meantime, his bathroom breaks and 
tooth brushing habits will be closely monitored.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a prison inmate isn't able to harness Montazuma's Revenge for his own evil purposes.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Weird Crime Wednesday: There's No Such Thing 'Home Base' in a Drunk Chase

(photo @ wikipedia)

Lake Charles, Louisiana

On January 23 of 2014, police received a 911 call about an erratic driver. The caller, who you can listen to here, claimed that a white convertible in front of him was weaving in and out of both lanes, speeding through school zones, and had even tried turning the wrong way onto the interstate.

Four police officers responded to the call, pursuing White Lightning for a short distance until the driver pulled into a driveway...her driveway. This is the part where things really get weird.

When the incident was initially reported, the driver of the White Lighting was revealed to be a federal judge by the name of Patricia Head Minaldi. She's apparently a big enough deal to have her own Wikipedia page and has received glowing reviews on the judge rating site, 'Robing Room.'

Minaldi may also be a Jedi, evidence by the fact that she was inexplicably served only with an open container citation in a situation where most people would reasonably expect to get a DUI/DWI.

Showing a dogged determination that most local news stations only reserve for stories about what foods are killing you, NBC affiliate KPLC-TV began digging into the case. Initially, their requests for the dash cam video and 911 recording related to the incident were denied. That, along with the Lake Charles city attorney calling the case "routine", made this one feel like a classic stonewalling act.

But justice (and everyone's morbid curiosity) was finally served, allowing us to witness one of the ballsiest attempts to get out of trouble with the police ever recorded. Embedded below is the dash cam from the officer who first made contact with Minaldi.

As he attempts to get her to exit White Thunder (both as a polite request and an order), the officer is firmly rebuffed on the grounds of "I'm on my property now, so ptttttthhhhhh".

This goes on for a while, with Minaldi steadfastly refusing every request to exit her car because she was on her own property.

In case you had trouble hearing the audio, KPLC-TV comes through again with a subtitled version. My personal favorite moment is when she reminds the officer threatening her with arrest to address her as 'Judge' rather than 'Miss' Minaldi.


The officers on the scene were eventually forced to pull Minaldi...er, sorry...JUDGE Minaldi from her car. After looking inside the vehicle, they found a cup of what they believed to be white wine (which I guess is the classy choice for refreshment while driving impaired at 1:30 in the afternoon).

Around the time that all this was hitting the local news down in Louisiana, the Lake Charles Police Department suddenly realized that they also had access to the evidence that had been handed over to the local media. 

DWI charge for JUDGE Patricia Minaldi was promptly added to the existing open container violation. The date of her arraignment has not yet been released.

But whenever it is, I'm guessing that it won't interfere 

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a judge decides to do their afternoon drinking at Applebee's like a responsible adult instead of their car.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Weird Crime: Concealed and Open Carry Stupid

Summerville, South Carolina

On Thursday, February 6 of 2013, administrators at Newington Elementary School were alerted by a teacher that a gun had been found in child's backpack. To the kid's credit, however, it was she who called her teacher over to point out the pink and black Ruger .380 resting inside her crayon bag.

The initial reports on this incident stated that the child's mother, 34-year-old Heather Seaderbaum, was arrested and charged with carrying a weapon on school property and unlawful conduct towards a child...which at first seems a bit harsh.

Obviously, the kid knew she wasn't supposed to have a gun at school. Maybe it had somehow accidentally ended up with her stuff before she left from home.

"But mom, I saw it on the PSA!"

As more reports came in, however, Heather's culpability in the incident became depressingly clear. According to an anonymous source who spoke with Live 5 news, Heather (who worked as a parent volunteer at the school) had previously displayed the weapon inside her purse while bragging to other parent volunteers about having a firearm on school grounds. When one of them pointed out that having a gun at school wasn't a good idea, Heather indicated that it was totally cool since she had a concealed carry permit.

As word spread about Heather packing heat, one of the volunteers notified the school's principal. Heather inevitably found out about this act of betrayal (because front office gossip tends to travel quickly) and confronted the parent.

After getting flustered and walking away, Heather then decided that it was time to make things right...by completely throwing her kid under the bus. She promptly went to her child's classroom and innocently asked the teacher if she could put a book inside her child's bag.

Later that day, a very confused (and admirably responsible) second grader found the weapon inside of her crayon box. As stated before, she immediately alerted the teacher. When the teacher then asked what her mom had placed inside her backpack, the girl dutifully replied "Her gun."

The mother claimed that she didn't know how the gun magically got itself into her child's backpack, but the police weren't buying it.

As sad and stupid as this whole thing is, the comments sections on various news sites reporting the incident are where the real gems can be found. If you ever wondered how functioning adults can still be incredibly dense, look no further than my personal favorite reply (to a fairly reasonable statement), posted by Andy Peterson.

Never trust the judgement of man with a Halloween pumpkin profile pic in February.

Heather's young child, meanwhile, was commended by the school's principal for being able to make much better life choices than her mother.

Heather was also released Friday on $2,500 bond. I called her for an interview (and to make sure she didn't have any more children to use as patsies), but was denied.

Her Facebook profile seems to be deleted and her Twitter account is inactive, but she does have a meetme account for any of you brave enough to go down that social media rabbit hole. I, however, will probably not be getting any answers for the time being. Since she lives pretty close to me though, there's always the chance that we could run into each other.

...and with her affinity for wearing camouflage, I'd probably never see her coming

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a mom decides not to try and let her kid take the blame for packing heat at school.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Weird Crime: Banana Clipped

(photo @ koreus.com)

UPDATE: Article fixed in regards to my ignorance about drum magazines. The sub par writing, however, remains unaltered.

Beaumont, Texas

On the morning of Saturday, February 8 of 2014, motorists traveling down Highway 105 were treated to what could generously be described as an unsettling sight: A man in a banana costume holding an AK-47.

As you might imagine, this prompted multiple calls to the police. When officers arrived on the scene, they discovered that the heavily armed fruit (whose gun was loaded with a potentially/hopefully empty 50-round drum magazine) was an 18-year-old employee "advertising" for a nearby tactical and security store owned by Derek Poe.

If that name sounds familiar, its because he's the same jackass who carried an AR-15 slung on his back through a crowded mall a little over a month ago. After having his gun confiscated and being cited with disorderly conduct, Derek pulled the old "DERP DERP POLICE STATE DERP DERP!" song and dance while pretending not to understand why people would empty their bowels at the sight of a man carrying a high powered firearm through the mall.

"Okay, Starbucks...let's see you screw up my order this time."

Much to the chagrin of my liberal friends, I actually do support the Second Amendment. What I do not support, however, are dumbasses using their right to bear arms as an excuse to make overt political statements at the expense of public safety. If you're going to say that gun control advocates are irresponsible/stupid, then you don't get to pretend not to understand basic human nature and the potential consequences for your actions.

But I digress...the 18-year-old banana (who has yet to be identified) was peeled off the sidewalk and cited for violating a city ordinance prohibiting soliciting alongside roadways. Hopefully it will be his boss, Derek, and not him who ends up paying any resulting fines.

As such an expert on the letter of the law, Derek probably should have been aware of the ordinance before making some kid go out on the street dress like an armed and fruity menace.

...and if this sign is hanging in the store's new
 location, it hopefully now comes with a severe irony warning.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a gun store owner realizes that dressing up their armed advertisers as avocados is much less threatening.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Weird Crime: A Bad Case of the Hit-and-Runs

(photo @ essenceofblogging)

Oro Valley, Arizona

On the evening of February 1, 2014, 92-year-old Persis Draper hit  43-year-old jogger/pedestrian Dori Stolmaker with her car. Dori was launched high into the air and landed right in the path of more oncoming traffic. Fortunately, those drivers were kind/aware enough to stop and help the injured woman. Persis, on the other hand, totally cheesed it out of there....

...only to return to the scene of the accident 45 minutes later. A witness who had observed the incident followed Persis, took down her license plate number, and called the police. This should be where the story ends: A hit-and-run perpetrator is caught and justice is served. But for those of us with an incredibly childish sense of humor like mine, this tale gets much, much better.

In a statement to the local media, Persis insisted that she did not, in fact, leave the scene of an accident. She was merely trying to avoid a having a catastrophic accident herself due to a severe bout of diarrhea.

According to Persis' very detailed account, she was going to visit a friend that fateful evening when Montazuma's Revenge struck in full force. Not wanting to be rude and/or annihilate her friend's toilet, Persis called to cancel their social engagement.

But before heading home to experience some sweet relief, Persis decided to first stop by the grocery store and pick up some bread rolls for a pot luck dinner she would be attending at her church later that evening. It was during this little detour that Persis ran over Dori.

When asked why she didn't stop to assist the person she'd just hit, Persis responded by saying:

“The diarrhea started up again after the accident happened. I was going to stop, but then the diarrhea came and I didn’t stop.”

Reading that quote caused me to do a couple of things:

1. Snicker and giggle uncontrollably like the immature man child that I am.
2. Feel a very small amount sympathy for Persis.

Running over any living being with a vehicle is almost always a terrible thing to do (unless you're Ripley on LV426), but a bad bout of the squirts can make even the most decent person morph into an irrational monster.

Lame caption not necessary

Unfortunately, the rest of Persis' story/actions that evening don't really pass the smell test (HA!).

After hitting Dori, Persis kept on trucking to the grocery store, where she presumably unloaded her payload and caused one of the employees to have a much worse day than he or she could have possibly anticipated. She then drove back to the scene of the accident...but not before first purchasing the bread rolls she needed for the pot luck dinner that night.

After seeing that no one was there anymore (because it was almost an hour later and paramedics like to keep things moving along), Dori swung by her church to drop off the dinner rolls. But despite her stomach still being upset, Dori opted not to defecate inside God's house. Instead, she drove home, took a pill, and went to sleep.

When the police arrived at Persis' home later that evening, she initially told them that she'd left the scene of the accident because she was scared. In her statement to the local media however, Persis claimed to have forgotten to tell the police officers that she'd been afflicted the with green apple splatters.

Persis also wanted to make sure everyone knew a couple of things she (presumably) thought would help people to view her in a better light.

1. She immediately called her insurance company after hitting Dori.
2. She "empathized" with Dori and was praying for her to feel better.

Persis also continued to deny being involved in a hit-and-run, repeating her assertion that the diarrhea had given her no choice except to act like a callous asshole. Unfortunately for her, the law does not consider the impending creation of a Havana Omelet to be a free pass for mowing down pedestrians.

Persis Draper was charged with failure to control speed to avoid an accident, failure to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk, and leaving the scene of accident with injury and failure to render aid. Authorities claim she was not taken to jail due to the charges being minor, but it was probably because they didn't want her clogging the prison toilet.

On the other side of the ordeal, Dori is still pretty banged up, but should make a full and speedy recovery.

...and that's something we can all be happy about.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, an old woman who shouldn't be driving anymore takes the Browns to the Superbowl before leaving for the evening.