The last 12 months have been pretty rough on 21-year-old David Blanchard. He and his girlfriend, 20-year-old Adriana Laurano, have been arrested twice: In March of 2013 for resisting arrest and in June for throwing rocks at a car. In David's defense, however, the people they were throwing rocks at had blown an air horn at them...but he also beat up a disabled person last year, too, so you shouldn't feel too bad for him.
On February 22 of 2014, however, David officially changed from being "short tempered and possibly just unlucky" to "severely deranged." After being arrested (again) for shoplifting at Kohl's, Blanchard's bail was set at $2,500. He probably should have expected this due to having a record, but it apparently pissed him off enough to call his lawyer...or somebody else.
Actually, none of the reports on this incident reveal who he was trying to reach. What they do say, however, is that Blanchard refused to inform the person on the other end of the line that the call would be recorded. This resulted in police terminating the call, which in turn set off a massive chain reaction of crazy.
Blanchard kicked things off by immediately assaulting two nearby officers. After being put into his cell, he attempted to choke and hang himself with the t-shirt he was wearing.
This is normally the part of the story where I'd move on and find something else to write about. It's hard to bring my brand of substandard, snarky humor about something as tragic as a person trying to end their own life (even someone like this guy). But what he did next, however, was equal parts hilariously ballsy and unbelievably disgusting.
Blanchard first proceeded to take a crap into his own hand. He then threw the freshly baked goods all over the cell, managing to also hit a nearby security camera. Officers quickly intervened and moved him to another holding area....which obviously did not have the desired effect, since he squirted out another Havana Omelette and threw it all over that one, as well.
The officers decided their next best move was to move him into a third cell, which I'm guessing they believed had some sort of magical anti-poop spell protecting it. Unfortunately for them, Blanchard was unaffected, once again chucking his butt nuggets everywhere with reckless abandon.
One of the police officers then made a terrible mistake, informing Blanchard that no one was "buying it." "It", in this case, was a strong enough display of psychosis to earn him a trip to the mental health facility.
Blanchard responded by looking the officer dead in the eyes, placing a dollop of feces into his hand, and shoving it into his mouth. As the officer looked on in what I'm guessing was a mixture of amazement and pain (in response the suppressing of his own gag reflex), Blanchard chewed the corn-stuffed Tootsie roll and smugly inquired "How about now?"
As you can probably imagine, this action finally earned David Blanchard his sought after trip to a mental health facility. He was cleared the next day (?) and sent back to prison, where he is currently awaiting an court day on March 13.
In the meantime, his bathroom breaks and
tooth brushing habits will be closely monitored.
Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.
To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a prison inmate isn't able to harness Montazuma's Revenge for his own evil purposes.