A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: Imaginary Ninjas Are the Hardest to Escape From

Seattle, Washington

No matter what your feelings are in illegal drug use, I think everyone can agree that the whole point why many people take them is to feel good or to try and escape from reality for a while. But on September 15 of 2013, 22-year-old Michael Allen Bray must have wanted to feel REALLY good or desperately felt the need to unplug his brain for the matrix for a while; he consumed a very potent combination of alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, and mushrooms.

Unfortunately for him, this cocktail of mood altering chemicals ended up making his day much, much worse. It started with Michael believing that he was being chased by someone. The description he gave police (the morning after his bad trip, no less) claimed that his pursuer was an "Asian female ninja" who looked like she was from a "Steven Segal movie."

This would be enough to scare anyone, but the course of action Michael took to elude this imaginary assassin is where things go from bad to worse.

He boarded a boat docked at the Queen City Yacht Club. To his surprise (and the owner's detriment), the keys were inside the ignition room. Realizing the golden opportunity laying before him, Michael fired up the engines and began ramming the surrounding boats and dock area in a futile attempt to escape.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Michael had put actual lives in danger due to the fact that there were passengers on board the other boats. One of the yacht club members decided to take matters into his own hands; he got a birdshot rifle, walked up to the stolen/rampaging boat, and fired 3-4 shots, hitting Michael in the face. This was able to halt the boat's progress, but it was nowhere near enough force to stop the crazy.

When the police arrived, Michael was found naked, bleeding, and straddling the ship's stern. His first act upon being confronted by the officers was to blame the ninja for shooting him (which reveals a severe deficiency in his knowledge about standard ninja weaponry). He then told the officers that he was a CIA agent while pointing at all of them and declaring "one of you are dead."

"I see dead people...and are any of you holding?"

When it was all said and done, Michael hadn't hurt anyone else, but he did cause approximately $483,000 worth of property damage to the dock and surrounding vessels. The boat he attempted to set sail on was also declared a total loss. This helped lead to him being held on $100,000 bail on charges of motor-vehicle theft, first-degree malicious mischief, reckless endangerment and first-degree vehicle prowling.

Michael Allen Bray is due to stand trial on Wednesday, October 2. His ninja stalker and the purple dragon he was chasing still remain at large.

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