A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: Even If You Can Pull Money Out Of Your Butt, You Probably Shouldn't

(photo @ prlog.org)

Bulls Gap, Tennessee

On the morning of August 27, 2013, police were called to the residence of a man named Bobby Gulley. He claimed that his girlfriend, 43-year-old Christie Black, was stealing money from him and that he had caught her in the act.

Bobby was quite a crafty fellow. According to him, he had laid a trap for his thieving partner which she just simply couldn't resist: Two envelopes containing $5,000 (in $100 bills) and a bag of pills. Both of these items were left on a foosball table overnight while the couple went to bed.

That morning at 7:00 AM, Bobby awoke to find that the money and the bag of pills had disappeared. Just as he had suspected, Christie was unable to keep her hands off the goods in what had to be the the most unsubtle sting operation ever attempted by a civilian.

 Let's hope Bobby doesn't utilize his skills for evil purposes

Unfortunately for Bobby, a person who is desperate enough to take such obvious bait is likely to do something even stupider once they have obtained it. When he confronted Christie about her alleged stealing, she began her defense by promptly vomiting up the bag full of pills right in front of him.

By this point, she probably figured it was a lost cause. Christie admitted to Bobby that she had taken the money....and shoved all of it directly up her poop chute.

After what had to be one of the greatest reactions of disbelief in human history, Bobby call the authorities. While the police were on their way to the house, Christie desperately attempted to remove the cash from her rectum with a set of tongs and a toilet brush. This did little more than cause her to bleed profusely and (hopefully) question a large number of her life decision up to that point.

When the officers arrived, Christie claimed that she needed the money and medicine because her boyfriend was going to kick her out of the house. While I want to have some sympathy for her plight, I do have to ask a couple of questions:

1. Christie, you will get no argument from me or virtually any other person that you need some sort of medication. But if your boyfriend really was trying to keep it from you, than why would he put it in a plastic bag and lay it on the foosball table where you could get to (and swallow) it?

2. If you really needed the $5,000 to help you find a new place to live, why didn't you just walk out of there with the money? It was allegedly placed next to a bag of "medicine" which was supposedly "yours." That would at least give you some type of probable cause for thinking it belonged to you...and not having to poop it out later.

You would think that a few ideas and scenarios would need to be exhausted before shoving money up your butt, but Christie went straight for the Hershey Highway Hideaway. It would also seem safe to say that Bobby has dodged quite a relationship bullet for the time being....

...oh c'mon. You know she's going to try and get back together with him. The guy's got his own foosball table!

Christie Black remains hospitalized (and very embarrassed) as of today. After being released, she will be arrested and charged with theft.

A mugshot of Christie from earlier this month when she was arrested for public
intoxication. You know it's been a bad day when that situation now seems almost quaint.

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