A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: Knife Beats Fart Every Time

Collier County, Florida

On May 7, 2013, Collier County police responded to a call about a 53-year-old man who had allegedly been assaulted. The attack had left him with multiple cuts on his left arm and abdomen. When the authorities arrived and asked what happened, he claimed that his girlfriend of 6 years, Deborah Ann Burns, had thrown a knife at him in the kitchen during an argument about money. She then left the house, came back, and proceeded to beat him with a stick.

It's worth mentioning at this point that Ms.Burns has a bit of history when it comes to irrational behavior. Before this incident, she had been arrested eight times in the last eights years. Two of those were for trespassing and battery.

Her boyfriend (who was not identified) was fairly irate while speaking to the police, continually stating that if Deborah returned, he would "kick her ass". When police found her at a nearby residence, however, Deborah had quite a different tale of that evening's events.

According to her, the pair had been watching television when her boyfriend got up and walked towards the kitchen...but not before releasing a heinous fart directly in her face.

This form of flatulent assault is known as the "Power Crop Dusting Method"

Deborah began screaming at her boyfriend/instigator of chemical warfare, who responded by yelling back at her to "shut up." It is at this point that their altercation ended up with both of them in the kitchen. But in Deborah's version of the story, the boyfriend had chased her around the house with knife.

Unfortunately for her, the police seemed a bit more convinced by the boyfriend's explanation of things...along with the physical evidence provided by his injuries.

Deborah Ann Burns was arrested and is currently being held in the Naples Jail Center on $50,000 bond. She was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Depending on what they ate for dinner that evening, 
her boyfriend should probably face the same charge, as well.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.

Disqus Comments