Thursday, January 3, 2013

Weird Crime: Next time find your own ride

(photo @

Niceville, Florida

On December 22, 2012, 22-year-old  Zachariah Howard had just walked into a Thumbs Up convenience store when according to him, he suddenly had a great idea: "I should totally rob this place."

Since Zach had no intention of terrorizing the store before he walked in, that also meant that he was completely unprepared to commit an armed robbery (i.e. he wasn't packing any heat). But Zach wasn't going to let the lack of a proper firearm keep him from acting on his spontaneous illegal urges.

He confidently strolled up to the store clerk, claimed that he actually did have a gun, and demanded all the money from the register. Unfortunately for him, the store's cash on hand (much like his gun) was completely imaginary; the store clerk turned the cash register around and revealed to Zack that it was completely devoid of any money.

It is unclear if the empty register was due to a cunning move/slight of hand by the clerk, a possible vision impairment on Zach's part, or Thumbs Up being woefully unprepared to ever make change for a cash customer purchases.

"Sorry honey, it's either exact change or the big tip I deserve."

But whatever the case, it was enough to make Zach decide that today wasn't his today to turn to a life of crime. Instead, he simply walked over to a nearby Winn-Dixie and did what many of us do when life doesn't work out the way we want (and we just need an understanding person to tell us that we're still special and loved): Zach called his mommy.

Since he made the call from a payphone (and apparently didn't have any friends) Zach decided to go all out with the "back in middle school" scenario and also asked his mom to come pick him up.

Seven days later, he was arrested and charged with attempted robbery.

Zachariah Howard is currently being held on $15,000 bond in the Okalosa County Jail.

...and I think it's safe to say that we all know to whom he made his first phone call.

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