A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: An Indecent (and painful) Proposal

Police in Portland Oregon are on the lookout for a 39-year-old man named Brandon James Clifford. Back in May of 2001, Clifford was found guilty of attempting to lure an underage girl to his motel room for sex....

...well, that might not be totally accurate. He was actually trying to get her to meet up with him so that she could kick him really hard in the groin.

Still though, it's a pretty sick crime (especially considering the fact that he may have actually shown up at her school, as well).

In addition to any jail time that he might have (hopefully) faced, Clifford also lost his job as an INS agent and was required to register as a sex offender anywhere that he maintained a residence.

Flash forward to 2012, and Clifford is at it again. This time, however, he's tried to modify things a bit to keep himself out of trouble.

1. He put ads Craiglist all over the country claiming that he was looking for "college-aged women to help him teach self defense." (Despite how skeevy this still is, at least he wasn't luring 15-year-olds on AOL like before.)

2. He made sure the ads were not placed in his home city, instead flying out to meet any women that responded to his inquiry.

He also specified that he was looking for women with strong legs, particularly soccer players.

No matter how creepy/sick this guy is, one common
trait we likely share is having the hots for Hope Solo.

Surprisingly, five women actually answered his ad. He gathered together his new team of angels, took them all to Jim Dandy's restaurant in Portland (what a romantic), and then explained that whichever one of them was willing to kick him in the nuts the hardest would get paid most.

A couple of the women got suspicious (because this whole set up clearly hadn't been the least bit odd until now), found out the background/arrest information on Clifford, and called the police.

Embedded below is an interview with the victim, who has asked not to be identified (for obvious reasons). The local news station also does an admirable job of resisting multiple "nut" puns that would have caught me at least a couple of times.

Portland police are keeping a close eye on Brandon James Clifford, reminding him that a stay in Portland of more than 24 days requires him to register there as a sex offender (and purchase a pair of hipster eye glasses).

If you or someone you know see an ad requested a woman with athletic legs to help teach a self defense class, please proceed with extreme caution.

While getting women to kick you in the nuts may not be a crime, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there might be a few more dangerous/creepy things about this guy to on guard against.

And if you still decide to respond to the ad for someone reason,
make sure you kick hard enough that he doesn't ever reproduce.

For a scientific (and appropriately ridiculous) look at what happens when guy gets hit in the nuts, click here.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.

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