A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: Don't underestimate yourself

Naples, Florida

On October 17, 2012, 24-year-old Donald Kollecker had been enjoying a night of drinking at a local watering hole named Pelican Larry's. After deciding (incorrectly) that he was sober enough to drive, Kollecker figured he should make a late night stop at a nearby 7-Eleven.

At approximately 1:45 AM, Kollecker also decided that turn lanes were for losers and hopped the median on U.S. 41 to enter the store's parking lot. Two nearby women did not appreciate his reckless driving and let him know about it. Kollecker, who's bravery was still fortified by copious amounts of alcohol, got out of his truck and shoved both of them. When one of the women's cell phones hit the ground, he made sure that they didn't think about messing with him again by stomping on the phone so hard that it broke.

Having established himself as quite the badass, Kollecker then attempted to enter the 7-Eleven...but was thwarted by a curb, which caused him to trip and fall flat on his face. Not one to suffer fools lightly, Kollecker showed the curb what was up by picking up the store's doormat and hurling it into the parking lot.

It's not a meme or a joke...it's a way of living life on the edge.

Around this time, the police showed up to find out why some idiot was attacking women and doormats outside a convenience store. When they asked Kollecker to take a field sobriety test, he refused, stating that he did not wish to be "embarrassed or humiliated"....

...which he must have only been worried about in front of the 7-Eleven. While being tested at the Naples Jail Center for intoxication, he told police that he needed to use the restroom. When they they replied that he would have to finish the test first, Kollecker responded by saying "it's too late" and urinating in his chair and on the floor.

If he hadn't "embarrassed or humiliated" himself before, the process was surely complete by now. After failing three breath tests (and numerous Darwin trials), Donald Kollecker was arrested and booked on charges of DUI, resisting arrested, disorderly conduct, and criminal mischief.

"No stage fright when peeing in front of others"
was the last shred of manhood he could rightfully call his own.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

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