A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime: A glitch in the matrix

(photo @ sodahead.com)

Volusia County, Florida

On September 3, 2012, Mark Welch noticed that world around him seemed familiar...a little too familiar. Maybe it was because his mind was finally freeing itself from the mainframe (or maybe it was the synthetic marijuana he had smoked before going to sleep), but Mark was pretty sure that everything happening around him had also occurred in his dreams.

He tried to tell his family about the fabric of reality being torn, but they were too busy being disappointed in their son's poor life decisions to listen or accept what he was saying. It was then that Mark realized he would need some help on his journey down the rabbit hole. But instead of calling Morpheus, he decided to call the Volusia County police department.

After dialing 911, Mark explained to the dispatcher that everything that happened in his dream was also happening in the real world, as well.

"I'm not kidding, bro. Comedy Central has 
totally been playing 'Van Wilder' on a loop all day!"

Mark must have been at least a little bit serious due to the fact that he actually claimed to have written down the events in his dream...meaning that somewhere near Orange City, Florida, there at one time existed a piece of paper that foretold the future.

A police officer was immediately sent over to Mark's home, where he determined that Mark was completely full of it...and warned him not to dial 911 with his dreamcasts again.

Not content to stay silent about his ability to see reality before it occurred, Mark decided that maybe if he called the police again, they would take him seriously. Unfortunately, his parents had hidden his cell phone to keep him (and their family legacy) from further embarrassment.

Mark, however, was resolved to see this through by any means necessary. He went over to a neighbor's house and called 911 again. If you didn't click the links above, than embedded below are both 911 calls. You'll notice that while the first dispatcher at least humors him, the second one is in no mood to put up with Mark's crap (or just really hated the movie 'Inception.')

Despite the dispatcher's warning him that he would go to jail, Mark claimed that he needed to "prove something to his family" (which obviously could not be accomplished simply by going to college or obtaining gainful, steady employment).

A deputy was dispatched to Mark's home and arrested him on a charge of misuse of the 911 system

Visual approximation/interpretation of the arresting officer.

Mark Welch was booked into the Volusia County Branch Jail on $500 bond.

Volusia County Jail
Where he no doubt spent the night looking for 
a hard line to get back out...or a private place to use the bathroom.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.

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