A Letter to My Dog, Half Pint

This last year may have been the worst one of my life, but at least I've got the world's two greatest dogs by my side to help me stagger into 2018. Today's post features a letter to Half Pint. Benjamin will be getting a letter later this week--he'd never let me hear the end of it, otherwise. Also, this posts features a lot of short video clips of Half Pint being silly. Since I apparently can't do anything right these days, they are exclusively shot in vertical mode. Please accept my apologies (and cut me some friggin' slack).

Weird Crime Wednesday: Zombie Golf

(photo @ myextralife)

On June 14 of 2012, Karl Laventure decided to celebrate his 21st birthday with a round of golf. Before hitting the links, however, Karl also decided to relax by smoking a little weed. Unbeknownst to him, the joint that he bought was laced with the increasingly popular drug of bad decisions and mass hysteria: bath salts.

For those of you wondering why people are interested in taking this substance (besides a hidden desire to ingest human flesh), the active ingredient in bath salts is mephedrone. This substance jacks up the dopamine and serotonin levels in your delicious brain, making someone who just ingested the substance feel incredibly confident and energized...until it reaches toxic levels. At that point, your ability to function as a human being is pretty much shot.

In the meantime, Karl was definitely feeling good about himself. He had decided to waltz out to the Atlanta Golf Center in Lilburn, GA without a tee time...or clothes.

"Sorry about my caddie.  He's new"

Karl then grabbed a club and began running around the course, hitting golf balls at will. The clubs' owner described him as seeming "not human," but maybe that was just because he didn't have the decency to ask other golfers it was alright for him to play through.

When the police arrived, however, the "not human" tag became terrifyingly accurate. The officers first attempted to pepper spray him, but Karl didn't even blink. Instead, he charged the officers, who at this point decided to equip the taser gun from their weapons inventory.

The first shock brought Karl down, but he popped right back up, taking 5 more taser jolts before going to the ground again and 14 total jolts to keep him subdued.  Once he was down, it took multiple officers to keep him there while he screamed about rappers Tupac and Biggie, yelled out unintelligible gibberish, and repeatedly declared "I'ma eat you!"

At least the zombie boss in Dead Island is muzzled

In case you don't believe me, here is a youtube embed of his arrest. I have cued it past the part where the uploader inexplicably shows a plane crashing into the World Trade Center (and hints that a possible zombie invasion is George Bush's fault for some reason).

After being taken into police custody, Karl was given some sedatives and was able to calm down...for a little while. The then attacked the hospital staff and had to be subdued again.

Unlike most Weird Crime Wednesday subjects, Karl Laventure was willing to give an on camera interview with a local news station (who are big party poopers and disabled video embedding).  He explained that after smoking the bath salt laced joint, he suddenly felt extremely guilty along with an uncontrollable urge to run.

Once he got to the golf course, Karl said that he was overtaken by a "message of fear and punishment." He didn't understand why he was being pepper sprayed/tased by the police officers; he just wanted someone to save him.


No one ever asks how the zombies feel.

He also explained that he did not know that the drugs he bought were laced with bath salts, making him perhaps the first perpetrator in this recent "zombie crime wave" we are experiencing to be at least partially innocent. 

Still, it's very disturbing to hear about these types of incidents with increasing frequency. I think I may spend a couple of days playing Resident Evil and rereading 'The Walking Dead' series from issue one; you can never be too prepared or careful.

Karl Laventure commended the officers for saving his life (rather than chopping off his head). At this point, he seems to have completely reverted back to being human.

But if you anyone notices him watching the 
last half hour of 'Hannibal' repeatedly...run.

Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how much I suck more personally, I can also be found on Twitter.


Unknown said…
Another case of the Whites keeping a brother down.
Anonymous said…
Why does it always need to be a race thing. If you have not noticed all the incidents involved a black person smoking bath salts to get high.#Bath salts the new crack.
Anonymous said…
Actually, all the cases up to this point turned out NOT to be the result of bath salts (there wasn't any in their systems when they got tested). I'd be willing to bet these guys will post a correction in a few weeks but by then nobody will care.
Anonymous said…
I think it was a joke idiot..
Anonymous said…
Karl Laventure commended the officers for saving his life. I'm satisfied.
Anonymous said…

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