Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Weird Crime Wednesday: Beware my army of technologically adept drug addicts!

(photo @

So let's say that your name is Stanislaus Grzeskowiak of North Pole, Alaska.  You have decided that the state government is at fault for your lack of education, financial distress, and your marital problems.  You feel that society is "asking you to be a terrorist," so you kindly oblige by hatching a diabolical plan to bring the entire state of Alaska to its knees.  You decide to make financial demands that must be met, or you will wreak havoc across the frozen tundra and shut down the entire infrastructure of America's 49th state.

Now let's get one thing clear:  Extortion, especially against your own government, is never a good idea.  But if you are going to commit to it, there are a few things that you need to consider:

1.  This is probably a one shot deal.  You won't be able to make a viable career out of this, as you will be spending the rest of your life in hiding and/or on the run from the law.

2.  You should probably ask for a sizable amount of money; enough that you will be able to live off of for the rest of your life and that will help you travel to countries that aren't very cooperative with extraditing criminals.

Grzeskowiak instead asked the Alaskan government for the surprisingly modest extortion sum of $85,000.  While I understand that this amount won't have taxes or social security taken out of it, why not at least treat yourself a little and bump the amount to a cool $100,000?  Six figures just seems more impressive.

And how would he force the Alaskan government to pay this sum?  What army was behind him to help carry out this act of destruction, revenge, and/or greed?

It could be the Russians.  Palin's not watching for them anymore.

Well, the first part was easy enough that he could handle it on his own; he would simply cut a cord that all oil companies, credit card companies, and cellphone companies were dependent upon to remain operational.  How Mr. Grzeskowiak was able to discover the secret of this one all important piece of wiring still remains a mystery, but it is a question that would not have had time to answer.

While we pondered petty mysteries like why all these companies used one line of wiring for electricity and data that could be cut in one place, Grzeskowiak would have already moved on to Phase 2 of his master plan.  He had somehow learned how to use discarded televisions to make devices that would disrupt and/or shut down police communications, cell phones, televisions, and computers.  

These "electromagnetic distortion devices" would not be unleashed by just one man, though. Grzeskowiak warned police that he was ready to train an army that would wander the streets and country sides of Alaska, shutting down any device that people were using to call for help or to watch hockey.

And who would fill the ranks of this army that would hold Alaska and its residents hostage? 


I'm guessing that Mr.Grzeskowiak didn't consider the fact that "crackheads" are terribly unreliable and would most likely sell all of his painstakingly homemade EMP devices for money to buy drugs. Unfortunately, this lack of foresight still didn't prevent him from calling the police with his demands.

He was met by one Sgt. Jess Carson, who was actually kind enough to listen to these demands without laughing.  In his report, he claimed that Grzeskowiak backed off of his earlier claims once he met him face to face, stating that "he was just trying to explain cause and effect to me and that he suffers from mental illness."


Grzeskowiak was promptly arrested on charges of felony extortion and threatening harm. He is currently behind bars and his bail as been set at $2,500 (which is 3% of his original demand price). If the electrical system at his jail shuts down and gets overrun by inmates who are repeatedly scratching themselves, you know who to blame.