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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Weird Crime: Stop...Cuddle Time




Manatee County, Florida

In the early hours of December 28, 2013, 31-year-old Shavonna Rumph and 33-year-old Henry Price had spent a romantic evening getting intoxicated together. But as Friday night turned into Saturday morning and the couple headed off to bed, Shavonna allegedly began to complain about Henry's aversion to cuddling.

Whether this was just a general admonishment on Shavonna's part or the result of Henry's failure to snuggle right then and there is unclear. But whatever caused the disagreement, Henry decided that it was time to leave the premises. Shavonna grabbed (and tore) Henry's shirt to keep him from leaving, but he was determined to escape from the bedroom to a cuddle-free zone.

Unfortunately for him, that's also when Shavonna decided to offer Henry's organs the chance to cuddle up next to some stainless steel. According to the sheriff's report, Shavonna picked up a kitchen knife and brandished it in Henry's direction.


                               Mother Goose Juice
"Do ya feel lucky, you non-cuddling punk?"



It's not clear from the official report if the altercation moved into the kitchen or Shavonna just kept a kitchen knife the bedroom for occasions like this. But either way, Henry probably regretted not just sucking it up and going with the Ross Geller 'Hug 'n Roll' maneuver after Shavonna fell asleep.

Now to be fair, Shavonna claims that she never picked up a knife. But she did admit to being angry about his refusal to cuddle, ripping his shirt, and even attempting to block the doorway by moving a table in front of it...so yeah, I'm gonna go with Henry's account on this one over the crazy lady's version.

Shavonna Rumph was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. She was released from jail on Sunday after posting $250 bond.


...and with that smile on her face, one can hope that maybe 
she got placed with a cell mate who was willing to spoon.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a woman decides there are more important things to threaten her boyfriend with a knife about than his aversion to attempting to sleeping with a T-Rex arm.


Friday, December 27, 2013

Weird Crime: If Momma Ain't Happy, Someone's Getting A Squirrel to the Chest

(photo @ overstock.com)



North Charleston, South Carolina

On the evening December 24, 2013, 44-year-old Helen Ann Williams sent her husband out to buy beer. Not only was this an odd request to make of one's spouse on Christmas Eve, but it was also futile since every stores was closed.

When Williams' husband returned home without the booze (and started making himself a sandwich) Helen became irate. But instead of simply yelling or threatening to cancel Christmas, she hit him over the head with a ceramic squirrel...and then stabbed him in the shoulder and chest with it.

Williams husband wisely ran across the street to a neighbor's house and called 911. When the police arrived, however, is where things went from scary to ridiculous.

When the officers asked Helen why there was blood all over her hands, she replied that the blood was not her husband's and that it had already been there.

                             The Times
So you've got another victim's blood all over you...good to know.


With regards to the the blood that was all over her husband's shirt the the deep gashes on his shoulder and chest, she tried to old "he just fell and cut himself"excuse.

Luckily, the police weren't buying it.

Helen Ann Williams was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature (is there any other type?). She is currently in jail on $10,000 bond.


Santa better have made sure that the lump of 
coal she got didn't have any sharp edges.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a woman with anger management issues and a drinking problem stocks up on alcohol before Christmas Eve.



Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Top 10 Weird Crime Stories of 2013



As 2013 comes to a close, let's take a moment to look back at the Top 10 Weird Crime stories of the past year. There may be a few days left until January 1, 2014 (which is more than enough time for Florida to come through with a late entry), but this year's group will be pretty tough to beat.

A brief summary can be found under the picture or mugshot (if its available) for each entry along with a link to the full story. Fair warning: The 'Full Story' links to the one from this site, because page views are like crack to crappy blogs like this one. Feel free to Google the perpetrators names for other sources and to spite me.

Now without further delay, our list begins with firearms and frozen treats in my hometown of Charleston.



10. We All Scream For Ice Cream (And Guns).


Thanks to the underrated 2008 horror film 'Home Movie', my neighborhood's ice cream truck sends a bit of a shiver down my spine. Add in the out of tune church hymns and Christmas music in July, and I'm ready to hide every time it circles around my house.

But for 59-year-old Richard Lee Hill, his feelings of malice towards the roving sugar sales van were much more aggressive...so much so that he accosted his neighborhood ice cream lady with a gun while she was surrounded by a group children. Full Story




9. Slugging the Slushie Machine


26-year-old Brenda Diaz went on a rampage inside of a Dunkin Donuts which culminated in her destroying their slushie machine. She then took off all her clothes, ran across the street, and got into a physical altercation with the police. To make matters worse, all of this occurred with her children, ages 8 and 11, watching from the back seat of her car. Full Story




8. (Un)Safety Dance


Marijuana will make you do some weird stuff. But as 34-year-old Felix Lockett found out the hard way, mixing marijuana with embalming fluid will make you crash your car, get naked, and dance in the middle of the street despite sustaining serious injuries. Full Story



7. Poop and Blood Stains on the Carpet


Waking up in the middle of the night to find that your crazy ex-girlfriend has broken into your apartment would scare any man. But if that crazy ex-girlfriend is 51-year-old Joanna Weatherford, you can also expect a trail of human feces leading from the window to your bed side...right before she tries to kill you with a meat cleaver. Full Story




6. You Don't Steal Another Man's Frozen Gopher Feet



The story: 37-year-old Tina Marie Garrison and her son, 18-year-old Junior Lee Dillon, stole approximately $4,200 worth of frozen gopher feet from someone. The real story: YOU CAN MAKE $4,200 COLLECTING DEAD GOPHER FEET!? Full Story




5. Revenge is a Dish Best Served at 1500 psi



Thanks to electronic records, very few people ask for receipts anymore. But 61-year-old Thomas Birdsall is serious about retaining a hard copy of his purchases. When a gas station attendant was unable to find one for him fast enough (despite the fact that she went to the trouble of digging through the trash for it), Birdsall decided to get revenge by pressure washing hell out of the store's front windows. Full Story




4. Sometimes Every Answer to a Multiple Choice Question is Wrong


Asking for your girlfriend's hand in marriage and getting rejected has got to feel terrible. But for 22-year-old Thomas Edwards Jr (or 'Zim', as he called himself), the fact that he had done this while standing naked outside her house at 3:00 AM  probably made it feel a lot worse.

When the police showed up, Thomas asked to be arrested, which they were happy to do. Unfortunately, he also asked if headbutting and spitting on them would ensure his incarceration. Despite being advised against physically assaulting the officers, Thomas decided to anyway. Full Story



3. Kidnappings, Marriage Proposals, and Tips Under 10% Not Appreciated


42-year-old Jonathan Quinlan decided to cap off a morning/early afternoon of drinking by ordering himself a pizza from Papa Gino's. At approximately 3:00 PM, a 22-year-old female delivery person arrived at his home with the order.

For Jonathan, it was love at first sight. For her...not so much. But that didn't stop him from trapping her inside his home, asking her to marry him, and declaring that their meeting that day was "destiny." Full Story




2. Please Don't Litter (Or I Will Eat Your Face).


20-year-old Key West resident Cassi Lyn Clayton has a criminal history that indicates she's a bit of a bad girl. But don't think that means she doesn't care about the environment. After observing a tourist throw some garbage onto the beach, Cassi took matters into her own hands (and mouth) by biting the litterer on the face.

I tried to reach out to Cassi to ask her about the incident (and declare my undying love for her), but was firmly rejected. Full Story






1. Would You Like Fries And An Arrow To The Knee With That?


Everyone gets mad when their fast food order is messed up. A large part of the food's cost is placed in the convenience, which has essentially just been obliterated. 28-year-old Jason Mckusick, however, wasn't about to let his local pizza delivery joint of choice get away with skimping him on an order of fries.

But what started out as a harsh verbal disagreement soon escalated into a SWAT team stand off while Jason held his family hostage with a cross bow. The police, however, were finally able to get him to put the weapons down...and that's when things got really bad. Full Story


Hope you enjoyed these stories. With Florida, Pennsylvania, and Germany still pumping out bizarre police/crimes reports, we can probably look forward to an even weirder 2014, as well.


Unless someone finally pulls this off.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, humanity is saved from another bath salt zombie.


Monday, December 23, 2013

Weird Crime: Swear at the Moon

(photo at keepcalm-o-matic)


Waltham Abbey, England

While many of us will make our annual empty New Year's resolutions next week, 45-year-old Paul Crick will ring in 2014 on a court ordered 5-year-plan for not being an asshole.

Over the last 16 months, Crick dialed 999 (the English equivalent of 911) over 170 times. That by itself is bad enough, but Crick often added to his abuse of emergency services by loudly hurling a stream of obscenities at paramedics when they arrived at his residence.

This was enough to cause magistrate Russell Pearson to hand down a sentence as bizarre as it is harsh. From now until December 16, 2018, Crick must not:

-Contact the emergency services via 999, save when genuinely in need of assistance of those services (Which is pretty much expected of everyone, but whatever).
-Remain upon any premises for use of the general public, including premises under the control of the N.H.S. (National Health Service), if asked to leave by a member of staff (Once again, this pretty much applies to everyone).
-Use threatening, insulting, or abusive words or behavior towards any person or persons not of the same household as himself, to include employees of the emergency services (People who part of his household, however, would appear to be fair game)
-Be verbally abusive, shout, swear or use foul language in any public place, or within his home address such as is likely to be overheard by, and such as is likely to cause distress to any other person outside his home address. (That's right; the guy can't even swear loudly in his own home. If Paul has am Xbox Live account, this could prove to be very problematic).
Magistrate Pearson drove home this final point, adding “No shouting, even in your own home if you are heard by all your neighbors.”
As much as Paul may have brought this sentencing down upon himself, I do feel little sympathy for him with regards to the 'no swearing loudly in your own home' part of it.

Due to being a Comcast customer as well as a University of Kentucky sports fan, I can sometimes be heard screaming obscenities within the confines of my home throughout the evening. I fear that without having this cathartic outlet, Paul may turn to more self destructive means of releasing his anger...like switching to U-Verse or cheering only for whomever is ranked the highest in whatever sport he follows.

To Paul's credit, however, he does appear to be taking his sentence seriously. He did not object to any of the terms, has entered an alcohol treatment program, and his currently seeing a psychiatrist.

As a test of his new resolve, Paul was also ordered by the judge to pay approximately $325 in court costs.


Which I'm sure he was just $#&%ing thrilled about paying.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, an angry drunk dials CSPAN to satisfy his need to incoherently swear rather than emergency services.



RBC Fitness Challenge Days 25 & 26: My Doctor is Awesome (Me, Not So Much)


My doctor is awesome. Despite going to medical school and being a physician's assistant, she insists on her patients calling her by her first name, Colleen. She's also a really good listener (i.e. she doesn't automatically try to pump you full of drugs without listening to all of your symptoms). Colleen the type of person that if she wasn't my doctor, I would love to be friends with...

...which is why sometimes I feel bad about being such a jackass of a patient. Approximately one month ago is when I went into her office and basically proclaimed "I really don't want to be alive anymore. But don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself."

Soon after that is when I began training with Tracie. Now as I've said before, I was perfectly happy being fat. I know that getting in shape won't improve my messed up head space in the long term. But training like this has given me something to focus on that helps me experience success and keeps my brain tuned out from a lot of the negative wavelengths that go along with clinical depression.

So when I called over to Durst Family Medicine to refill a prescription, I was a little surprised to receive a call back. The lady on the other end said "We can refill it this time, but Colleen is really worried about you and the fact that you haven't checked in with us or contacted the psychiatrist's office she referred you to yet."


                                                     lifeinthefarcelane



I made an appointment and went in to get things checked out (and to apologize for dumping my darkest thoughts on Colleen's doorstep and then not following up when stuff got better).

This turned out to be a really great thing. Unlike most of my recent doctor's appointments, this one was filled with good news. My blood pressure was down to insanely healthy levels; so much so that it may soon be time to come off of blood pressure medication (hence the "thumbs up" picture above).

Colleen also noticed that I had lost weight and was acting/looking a million times better than I had a month ago. She was visibly relieved to see that I hadn't become a much less talented version of Edgar Allen Poe while curled up in a fetal position on the floor and eating Spaghetti-O's. 

To celebrate the fact that I was on my way back to normalcy, my wife and I went to nearby restaurant Poe's (named after the famous poet) for my first cheeseburger in a very long time. I figured if I was going to finally treat myself, might as well go with the place that makes the best burger and fries in town.



mmmmmm....saturated fat....


I then took a walk with Karen down to the beach, excited and thankful that for the first time in a long time, my health was on the upswing.






Day 26

I had a meeting today with some former band parents and students who help run Wando Music Mentors. It's a program that helps give students lessons (and sometimes even instruments) who normally could not be able to afford it.

It also had me meeting with two ladies that knew me back before I ballooned into my Jabba The Hut-like state. They both said that I was noticeably thinner and complimented me quite a bit. There's something about attractive middle-aged women praising you for your physical state that is very life affirming.




The next installment, which brings us ever close to my transformation from a fat caterpillar to a less fat caterpillar, will be posted in a few days.


If you want to cheer Tracie on while she kicks my butt on a weekly basis, you can find her on Twitter. If you live in the Charleston area and would like to have your butt kicked into shape like mine has been, then take a moment and check out the Long Training Studios website.


Please also feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Weird Crime Wednesday: You're Making Things Worse




Redding, California

21-year-old Michael Heller has not had a very good 2013. A records search through the Shashta County Government website reveals that during the past 12 months, he had a few felony charges. One of these involved him stealing another person's vehicle.

Now before you automatically assume that Michael is some kind of colossal douchebag who is constantly making poor life decisions, he may not be all bad. For starters, the guy was all types of  determined to show up for the court date related to his pending auto theft charge.

Unfortunately, the court house was a little over 5 miles from his home. Since Michael had already attempted (and failed) to steal a car before, one would assume that he did not have any viable mode of transportation to get there. This might be why at approximately 8:30 AM on December 12, 2013, Michael noticed that 69-year-old John Westberg had left his 1989 Ford Ranger unattended and decided that walking five miles to just to hear a guilty verdict wasn't worth it.

Before Mr. Westberg could yell at the carjacking punk to get off his lawn, Michael hopped into the vehicle and drove off. The police were called immediately and caught up with him 20 minutes later (or 4 hours later depending on which report you read).

When asked why he took Mr. Westberg's truck, Michael simply replied that he "needed a ride to court."





He was also found less than a mile from his home in the opposite direction of the courthouse. This may seem like a clear indication that Michael planned on keeping the truck. But since it was a 1989 model Ford pickup, there's an equally good chance that the vehicle had simply started rolling backwards after the engine unexpectedly cut out.

Michael Heller was arrested and charged with vehicle theft, possession of a stolen vehicle, and forcing the police to use redundant crime classifications.



Hopefully someone can give him a ride to jail.




Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a car thief realizes that stealing a 1989 Ford pickup truck might actually hurt them more than its well-insured owner.


Saturday, December 14, 2013

Weird Crime: Taco Bell Dog Runs With A Tough Crowd




West Ashley, South Carolina

On the morning of December 11, 2013, a motorist in a white Honda Accord was making life difficult for other drivers on I-526. But unlike most moving road hazards one comes across in the Charleston area, this car wasn't just parking itself in the left lane at 40 mph. The driver, 55-year-old Johnnie Ross Gardner, was weaving in and out of traffic.

According to his criminal records history (which can be found on the Charleston County Government website) Mr. Gardner has a history of driving like a jackass, including multiple violations for unsafe driving.

At the exit for Sam Rittenburg Boulevard, Gardner lived up to his reputation and cut off a 25-year-old woman who was getting off the interstate. Like many other drivers had done that morning, she honked her horn at him. This was apparently one slight too many for Johnnie, who proceeded to follow and pull up next to her in an adjacent lane.

As the woman looked over, Johnnie held up a revolver and pretended to fire it in her direction. This (understandably) caused the woman to freak out, swerve into the next lane, and hit another car. As the woman and the person whose car she hit pulled over into a nearby parking lot, they both spotted Gardner at a nearby ATM.

This should have been the point when Johnnie let things go; he'd already acted like a complete dick and gotten some cash to carry around with him. Instead, he decided it was time to really drive his point (whatever that was) home.

Gardner slowly drove by his victim. As his car passed by her, he held his gun in the air, nodded his head, and looked her dead in the eyes...while his faithful pet chihuahua also stared out at her from the passenger side window.

Later that day, Johnnie Ross Gardner was arrested and charged with second-degree assault and battery. He is currently being held in the Charleston County Jail on $10,000 bond.





Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a man with severe road rage decides to leave his gun (and adorable little dog) at home.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Weird Crime: Taco Time of Terror

(photo @ Luhy Blog)


San Antonio, Texas`

On Monday, December 2, 2013, 28-year-old Alex Kramer had a hankering for some tacos. At approximately 2:30 PM, he decided to cure this craving by heading over to a local restaurant called Alondra de Jalisco.

After ordering and devouring six tacos, the waitress brought him the bill...which he refused to pay. But unlike most asshole customers who attempt to skip out on their tab, Alex didn't just get up and leave. Instead, he began to slide a large sword in and out of a black sheathe that he'd been carrying on his belt.

Now before we go any further, I'd like to bring up the one question that I haven't seen any of the linked news reports covering the incident ask: Why the heck was this guy let into the restaurant with a freaking sword?

That's not the type of thing you need to have the hostess pat down every guest to find. And before you say "They could have thought it was just a pretend sword," that's still no excuse. An adult male walking into your restaurant in the middle of the afternoon with what may or may not be a fake sword should still raise a few red flags.


                                       wikipedia
Unless it's this guy. Then it's cool.


But I digress...the waitress did what any veteran server does when a customer goes completely psycho on them: She informed the patron that he was welcome to speak to the owner.

But before Alex got the chance to aggressively air his grievances, he decided to go out to his car, first. (Every report on the incident that I've read claims this was due to a telephone ringing, but unless you're trying to get back inside the Matrix, that doesn't really make sense).

The waitress wisely used this opportunity to lock the front door. Alex, who had managed to escape the restaurant where he'd refused to pay for his food, figured this was the perfect opportunity to wave his sword in front of the door while screaming that "someone would die" if his taco meal wasn't comped.

Alex eventually gave up and went home, where he was arrested the next day by the Bexar County police on a charge of aggravated robbery. He is currently residing in the Bexar County jail with a bond of $50,000.


The cruelest possible irony: If it had been taco night
 in the prison mess hall on his first day behind bars.


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a man with a craving for restaurant tacos his leave sword (and the crazy) at home.


Monday, December 9, 2013

RBC Fitness Challenge Days 21-24: Breaking Eggs and Cracking Ropes


Margaret, who is the orchestra teacher at my school, is a runner. She's the stereotypical suburban middle- aged mom who way looks too good to be driving a mini-van.

She had never said anything about my weight during the last year we'd worked together, but today she gave me two compliments: One that was great and one...not so much.

As I stood up from the lunch table that day, Magaret looked over in my direction and said "You know what, you really look a lot leaner..."




"...and your walking looks A LOT more coordinated than it used to."

What the hell? I'm well aware of the "velociraptor with a stick up it's butt" thing with regards to how I walk, but had my general movement looked so bizarre that now the simple act of strolling down the hall seemed "coordinated" compared to what I did before?

I asked Makayla, Tracie's younger daughter, if she also noticed a difference in how I was walking.

"Yeah, you actually look normal," she stated.

I'll take it. I experienced another end of the week crash when I got home and didn't work out for only the second time in about a month. I figure the rest was needed.



Day 22

Small victory today, but an important one: After getting done with a workout that consisted of Tracie's exercises and some intense intervaled cardio, I came home to find Karen about to walk our three dogs.

In the past, I had normally forgone the dog walk all together because

A.) I was too lazy and couldn't be bothered to get off the computer/up from the bed or couch.
B.) Walking the dogs as my only physical activity would still wipe me out for the rest of the day.

But instead, I was able to walk for a few miles with my wife and our furry children after over an hour of exercise. Good times.


Day 23


Aside from destroying another friend in fantasy football, not much interesting happened. Had another great workout, ate better, etc.Unfortunately, I also began to come to a horrifying conclusion: I can't make eggs. I know it's embarrassing to admit, but I'm seriously terrible at it.


Day 24




I really wasn't kidding. Every time I try to flip the eggs (I like them over-medium), the yolk breaks. That one near the bottom looks okay, but was totally obliterated after this picture was taken.

But onto other things besides my vast array of culinary failures: Today was another grueling session at Long Training Studios with Tracie. This time, however, I was actually doing really well. I was receiving occasional corrections on my exercise forms, but I was also hearing a lot of "Good, Nick!" while ripping through the circuits (except for the hellish 'Around the World' plank).

Unlike my last few sessions, I felt like I could keep going after this. I confidently strode up to Tracie and asked "So what's the metabolic finisher today?"

That was a mistake.

Tracie proceeded to pick up a giant rope that resembled a stuffed python and had our small group head outside. We were then assigned circuit involved whipping the rope against the ground like you was riding one of the chariots in Ben Hur. This was followed by a run around the gym property to the dumpster. We were split into two groups, each one trading off the exercise when the running group had come back

At first, whipping the rope was kind of fun. My enjoyment of this activity, however, lasted for about 10 seconds. After that, I began to develop a severe hatred for the girl who was running and her inability to break the sound barrier, relieving me of my cursed predicament.

Once she finally got back, I gladly handed the ropes to her and began to run. As I stumbled towards the dumpster, a family at a nearby apartment eyed me as if I were a deranged crack addict about to dive in and start digging for rocks.

Instead, I touched the dumpster (not sure why since that's kind of gross), turned around, and ran back towards the ropes. That's about the point that the grilled chicken sandwich I had from Wendy's began to claw its way back up my esophagus towards sunlight and freedom.

"You ready for the ropes again?" Tracie asked.

"Yeah...wait...no. No I can't," I replied.

I felt terrible not being able to finish this, especially after how good I'd just felt before. But Tracie seemed to understand (or she could tell that my skin complexion had turned a strange hue of green).

"It's alright, you still did great today," she said while reminding me to breathe in and out through my nose so that I didn't pass out. I spent a few minutes resting and watching another group suffer through the finisher. It made me feel better to see that they all looked like they wanted to die, too.




Even though I was mad at myself for pulling up at the end, it was still a great workout. My energy level at work and home was much better. I was actually starting to feel pretty good.

I still suck at making eggs, though.






If you want to cheer Tracie on while she kicks my butt on a weekly basis, you can find her on Twitter. If you live in the Charleston area and would like to have your butt kicked into shape like mine has been, then take a moment and check out the Long Training Studios website.


Please also feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page.


Friday, November 29, 2013

Weird Crime: (Under) Pants on Fire



Carson City, Nevada

In the early morning hours of Tuesday November 26, 2013, 21-year-old Amber Lynn Gray and her boyfriend were having a disagreement. He had allegedly gone to the store and returned without the cigarettes that she had requested. The pair was also drinking heavily, which caused the altercation to escalate from verbal sparring into a drunken, physical attack.

The assault began with Amber picking up a water bottle and hurling it at her beau, striking him in the head. She then proceeded to destroy various items around the apartment. When this failed to get his attention, however, she decided to switch from water to fire...and attack the unmentionables.

Amber reached into her boyfriend's underwear drawer, pulled out a pair, lit them on fire, and threw them onto the hallway floor. She then left the premises while the poor guy was left to extinguish his burning britches in the bath tub.

This act was particularly diabolical on a number of levels. Not only did she destroy a piece of clothing, but she used it to also cause damage to the carpet. If the underwear had skid marks on it (which let's face it, every guy has some brown striped pairs they still use), than the smell is probably still hanging in the air of his home.

The police were called and eventually located Amber at a casino, where she was presumably playing craps. She was arrested on a felony charge of arson and a misdemeanor charge of domestic battery. She is currently being held in the Carson City jail on $43,132 bail.


DO NOT put her on laundry duty


Please feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. 

To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page. Every time someone does, a man with a crazy girlfriend buys a lock for his underwear drawer.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

RBC Fitness Challenge Days 16-20: The Food Diary Reckoning


Today I went to the gym and was then still able to take a long walk with my wife. I also destroyed one of my friends in fantasy football, so all in all I can't complain....

...unless you want to hear me talk about my food diary. This thing is killing me. Everything I eat is flavored with the chilling reminder that Tracie will give me the stink eye for consuming the stuff I shouldn't be ingesting. I guess this is the price you pay to not feel like crap anymore.



Day 17

Today brought another small group session at Long Fitness Studios. As usual, it was incredibly grueling. What was unusual, however, is the fact that I still felt like I could go for a walk or some other type of light physical activity hours after it was over.

It wasn't too long ago that just taking the dogs for a stroll made me feel like I needed to be placed in bacta tank for a week or more. Now I could go through one of Tracie's insane circuits (which included attempting one-armed push ups on a bar) and feel like I still had more than enough energy left to do other stuff.




Another odd thing I noticed as I drove into work this morning was that my fingernails had gotten a bit long. This was an usual sight for me to see due to the fact that I tend to bite my nails constantly. In fact, I haven't had to use a fingernail clipper in almost two decades on account of my nervous chewing habit.


                                             freedigitalphotos.net 
...and I am nowhere near enough to
 make that bad habit look cute or alluring 


For those of you who are still here and haven't run away screaming in disgusted terror, I did bite my currently elongated fingernails off, but only for aesthetic reasons. The pounds being shed and increased mobility I was experiencing seemed to also be relieving my stress levels, as well. This is greatly appreciated for a number of reasons, one of which is my inexplicable dedication to the University of Kentucky Football team.


Day 18

Aside from the fact that Tracie is going to murder me once she reads my food diary, I really am starting to feel a lot better. This is especially good since I've had a severe lack of  "Oh, you look like you've lost weight comments" since people were complimenting me during the first couple weeks of my unfatting process.

Verbal praise and recognition from others shouldn't be the goal, but my severely insecure self latches onto it like a python eating a mouse when it comes to looking for sources of motivation. 
I'm also, aware, however, that I can't lose 10 lbs every two weeks, nor would it be healthy to do so. But the fact that I actually FEEL so much better has been a huge lift and a great intrinsic motivator. I'll keep hanging onto that while I work on these next 10-15 lbs.

I would also like to mention that I have somehow lost my third set of headphones...and I think we all know who is responsible.


                   sodahead
Definitely not me.



Day 19

For some reason, Wednesdays seem to have a habit of being really terrible days for me so far this year. Granted, it's my busiest day of the week (I go from 8:00 AM - 8:00 PM straight), but that's hardly the reason. The last part of my day is teaching lessons to some really great kids, which actually tends to wash away the any pent up rage I've carried from that morning and afternoon.

But as usual, I was able to get into the gym, work out, and feel like I had control over one thing in my life, at least. This was definitely a healthier way of dealing with a rough day than eating an entire can of Pringles and watching old X-Files episodes.



Day 20

Today was another session at Long Training Studios, this time being run by The Viking/Jared. At the point that he began describing the "proper technique for Spider-Man push ups," I knew that I was in trouble.

The hour consisted of multiple exercises designed to make your core and abs shiver and twitch like they were being put through electroshock therapy. One of the fitness model girls was there and even she was having trouble getting through it. (Of course, there was also a soccer mom who looked like she could rock climb Mount Everest to help remind me that my ass was still very kickable).

While struggling through the form for one of the exercises, Jared came over and helped me get it right. His ability to offer assistance without making me feel like a complete idiot/pansy was both masterful and greatly appreciated.

He was also one of the first people to take notice of how awesome the shirt was that I was wearing.



There may still be hope for our kind.


When I told him that a lot of people didn't even know who the shirt was referring to, he looked stunned and incredulously snapped back "How can anyone not know who Magneto is?!"

This man's awesomeness truly has no limits.

Once I was done with the exercise Jared was showing me, I decided to take a picture of my mat...mostly because it looked like someone had poured a bucket of fat person sweat onto it.


...and maybe just a few tears.


Jared told me that he was very proud of all the work I had done and was starting to really notice a difference in my fitness level. A mortal like myself to receiving a blessing like that from the son Odin really meant a lot. 

Later that evening, I walked laps with Tracie around the soccer field where Makayla was practicing. We were going to walk the bridge, but decided it would be more fun to periodically stop and shout at her daughter to go for the ball and play more aggressively.

My good vibes from the day came to a screeching halt, however, when Tracie asked to see my food diary. She looked at it and made an expression on her face like I do when my wife farts in bed. She then looked back up at me and said "Eggs."

"What?" I replied.

"We're going to start with one meal. You need to get more protein in your diet and cut out the carbs and sugar, especially at the start of the day." Tracie firmly declared.

"But I am doing a lot better," I responded/pleaded. "My diet used to be so much worse."

"I bet," she replied with a nod.

"But how bad is it now?" I tentatively asked,.

"Oh, it's bad," Tracie bluntly stated. "But we're going to fix that one meal at a time...starting with breakfast."

Tracie then went on to give me some suggestions for creating various types of omelets while being completely unaware of the fact that I can barely fry and egg without catastrophically messing it up.

But I went to the store that night and bought 18 grade A's. If eating more eggs (which I love) was going to be beneficial to my current health regimen, than I was all for it. I was on a roll and it was time to kick things up a notch.

This whole getting back in shape thing wasn't just a goal, anymore. It was becoming my reality. It felt good. If I could do more to increase and enhance that, than it would be done. And with Tracie and her team supporting me, I knew that being in ever better shape (and more importantly, feeling better) was going to happen.


I had been blessed by the ruler of Asgard, after all.







If you want to cheer Tracie on while she kicks my butt on a weekly basis, you can find her on Twitter. If you live in the Charleston area and would like to have your butt kicked into shape like mine has been, then take a moment and check out the Long Training Studios website.


Please also feel free to leave a comment below. If you'd like to sing my praises or tell me how terrible I am more personally, I can also be found on Twitter. To get updates on when new articles or podcasts are published (and occasional random musings) 'Like' the official RamblingBeachCat.com Facebook page.